Moving Up To The Good Life: Executive and Personal Coaching

Living Happily Ever After – It’s Not Always Easy

2012-01-30T08:55:00.000-08:00

Love and marriage. They’re a good thing. Strong marriages are about sharing good times and experiencing more positive than negative feelings

Good marriages are also the result of learning to successfully deal with differences. Ask Melissa and Jesus Hernandez.

The Hernandez’s tell others, including young couples at their church and curious people like me who see how happy they are, about the fairy tale and the reality of their own romance.

As Jesus tells the story, Melissa was a charming, beautiful, thoughtful young woman who came to Wenatchee from

Panama

in an exchange. He found that he desperately loved her. The love did not die during the four years they were separated after she went back to Panama.

When Melissa returned to Wenatchee for a visit, Jesus picked her up at the airport, drove to Snoqualmie Falls, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.

Then they lived happily ever after, right? The real story begins where fairy tales end.

Melissa and Jesus made a plan. She needed to return to Panama, but he would come a month later, in December, to meet her family and ask for hand officially. They’d be married a year later after he finished college.

Then came the first real conflict. Jesus’s logical mind began to think over the plan they had made.

December was only a month away. If they were going to be separated for a whole year, it would be better to go in June rather than December. By coming in June, the year apart would be broken up and not so hard to bear. He called Melissa to tell her his thoughts.

“She just blew up. I couldn’t understand it at all because it was just the sensible thing to do. She was telling me that her family was expecting me to come in December as I had told them earlier. My plan might be sensible, but not sensitive to others .”

Jesus says that he hung up the phone by telling Melissa that he was coming in June, not December, and that was that.

Over the night, however, Jesus rolled around in bed thinking about Melissa’s words especially about the lack of sensitivity. The next morning, he changed his mind and decided to travel to Panama in December. Jesus’s change of heart bode well for their marriage.

Dr. John Gottman, a marriage guru, says that one main attribute of happily married heterosexual couples is that the men allow themselves to be influenced by their wives. Gottman claims that most women already do this well, but men have to learn to share power.

Main moral of the story. If you want a happy marriage, allow your partner to influence you.

“Because we are both Latino, people assume that we are alike, but we have many differences” Melissa tells me. “For example Jesus came from a family where men were in charge. I came from a matriarchy. My family was very expressive in their affection, but Jesus’s family was not. I’m not saying one is right or wrong, they are just different.”

Second and third moral of the story. If you want a happy marriage, expect differences. Be nonjudgmental about your differences.

“Have you been able to resolve all your differences?” I asked. They both laughed and agreed that some differences they have just learned to accept about each other.

Melissa and Jesus have taken the book, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus, with them to their marriage classes. They often find their differences, including their gender differences, humorous.

Fourth moral. Happy couples have some unresolvable differences which they accept.

Better yet, as they have gotten more skilled at dealing with their differences, Melissa and Jesus have found that their diversity often broadens and sharpens them as individuals.

“Are you saying then, that you think your spouse has helped you become a better person?” I asked.

“Absolutely!” Melissa and Jesus chorus.

“It’s true, we’ve become better people because of each other” Melissa nods. “Through all the tough times, I couldn’t ask for a better man by my side.”

Fifth moral. Happy couples use their relationship to become better people.

This Valentine’s Day have fun with your spouse. For a long and happy marriage, you may also want to remember the lessons learned from the Hernandez’s love story which are supported by research. Allow your partner to influence you, be respectful through inevitable conflicts, accept that you won’t agree on everything, and use your relationship to become a better person.

How might you move up to The Good Life through continuing to work on your marriage?

A Resolution For 2012: Hang Out With Better People

2011-12-30T12:30:00.000-08:00

We worry about the kids our young people are hanging out with because we know how easily they can be swayed by their peers.

What we don’t realize is how easily we, too, can be influenced by our social group to conform.

We can use the power of positive peer pressure to achieve our goals effortlessly this coming year.

Yes, it’s January — time to get psyched up to set some new goals.

Do I hear some groaning out there? If so, it no longer surprises me.

After spending many days of goal-setting myself, I have a greater appreciation for some people’s pain, suffering, and sheer boredom around goal-setting. Many people don’t know what they want. They don’t have an exciting vision. The whole process is stressful and can turn some cheerful, spirited folks into grumps or narcoleptics.

If you are one of the many who has problems with goal-setting, not to mention goal achievement, positive peer pressure is especially for you. Some highly respected researchers believe it’s even more effective than our usual goal-setting techniques specifically because it is largely unconscious.

To understand how and why positive peer pressure can work for you, start by remembering the famous conformity experiments in social psychology conducted by Dr. Solomon Asch in the 1950s. At the time his research shocked nearly everyone including Dr. Asch himself.

As you may recall 75 percent of the participants in Asch’s experiments agreed at least once with group members who were clearly wrong about something everyone could see with their own eyes (such as the length of two lines).

Human beings, it seems, are highly vulnerable to the opinions and behaviors of others.

Other recent social scientists have theorized about why this happens. The answer is pretty simple. We’ve probably all seen it and succumbed to it.

People of both genders and all ages actively seek acceptance of and avoid rejection by their social group. Dr. Wendy Treynor outlines this dynamic in her book, Towards a General Theory of Social Psychology: Understanding Human Cruelty, Human Misery, and, Perhaps, a Remedy: A Theory of the Socialization Process.

Dr. Treynor says that we naturally and mostly unconsciously adjust ourselves internally and externally to be like others. We slip into a new identity consistent with our social group.

This is exactly the force we can use to our advantage with the positive peer pressure method of goal achievement.

The basic idea is that if you want to significantly, successfully, and easily change who you are, then change the group you’re hanging around with.

Look around for a group that you respect. It could be a church group, a service club, or special interest group. Most of these groups are easy to get into. Tell yourself, “I’m going to allow these esteemed people to rub off on me.”

Dr. Ken Dychtwald, a noted authority on living the good life, started volunteering with Habitat for Humanity some years ago. He speaks of the “good people” he met who were “frankly a better lot” than he was previously associated with.

Dychtwald credits his positive peer interactions with helping him become a much better version of himself. Dychtwald suggests that we, too, experiment with hanging out with better people to change ourselves.

Here are some specific suggestions. Find what seems to be a good role-model group. Check them out by spending time with them. See if they are thinking and behaving in ways you regard highly.

(my favorite role-model group, Rotarians!)

If they are not who you want to be, perhaps you’ve gained valuable clarity on your values and aspirations. Find a new group.

If you do admire what you see and hear, allow the power of positive peer pressure to naturally push you toward becoming the person you want to be.

How might you move up to The Good Life by hanging out with better people?

Get Ready to Learn the Secret of Life

2011-12-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

“Do you know what the secret of life is?” asks Curly (Jack Palance) in the old movie, City Slickers. He answers his own question “find your one thing” and stick to it; the rest is meaningless. (The actual dialogue is more …colorful.)

I figured that Bill knew the secret and had found his one thing. Bill is an active member of my Rotary club. His eyes shine with interest, humor, curiosity. His smile is easy and authentic. When I cornered him at Caffe Mela, he was open and clear about what the good life was for him. As it turned out it was four things, but they seemed one to him.

Bill easily expands on all four things with gusto. He has meaningful work (helping people with multiple handicaps) that he’s good at and that challenges him. He loves his family and parenting his two children. He’s comfortable with his faith. He enjoys being a Rotarian service club member. For him it’s all connected through living the golden rule - looking beyond self.

Bill’s lucidity came through an epiphany.

We often think of epiphanies as profound “aha’s” - deep insights which are difficult to describe to others. People experiencing epiphanies seem to suddenly see how the whole puzzle fits together. They gain an enlightened perspective which allows them to make large leaps. They are able to perceive what is truly essential, significant, and meaningful.

Often epiphanies are thought of as sudden flashes, but Bill’s revelation took about a year.

He began to ask himself big questions about life after being diagnosed with a terminal illness. He wanted to examine what was truly important to him. He evaluated whether he should make some changes.

As Bill looked as his work, his relationships with his family, his faith, and his service to humanity, he could hardly believe that he was exactly where he wanted to be. He was shocked. He thought he was striving to get to the next place, but in reality he had already arrived.

Bill’s says he knew he had those four things, but he just “didn’t get it.” He was happy!

Bill says with a twinkle in his eyes, “I’m in constant pain, going to die, and I’m happy. How damn lucky am I?”

And Bill really IS happy, has found answers, and DOES feel lucky (his demise seems to be indefinitely on hold, however, he’s been cancer free for over five years).

I really envied Bill’s breakthrough, but I wasn’t too keen on his process. Even though life’s answers to the big questions may be in front of us, must we have a terminal illness to understand them?

Many psychologists I have since queried seem to think that profound insights often do come at critical moments in life although many people experience crises and receive no revelations. Traumas and big life upsets are simply opportunities for deep awareness and growth.

Crises jerk us to attention. We have a special receptivity to staying engaged with big questions and answers. Our storytellers seem to agree. Think of Ebeneezer Scrooge and George Bailey in It’s A Wonderful Life.

Most of us would opt for less traumatic ways of learning the secrets of life. After perusing much of the epiphany related literature, I have a few ideas that might work and even if they don’t, could be interesting and fun (also useful if you ARE having a crisis).

Mark out twenty minutes each day during December to engage by yourself with The Big Questions, such as: "What's really important?"

During that time write quickly without editing for five minutes whatever comes to your mind. Then set your timer for ten minutes and close your eyes. Meditate, pray, or gaze at something pleasing in nature. Afterwards take five more minutes to write any impressions you felt. Don’t worry if nothing happened, just relax, and enjoy yourself.

Take frequent walks in nature. The Riverwalk is great for this. Specifically look at the mountains, the river, and the sky. Go out and look at the stars at night. Ask yourself, “What’s really important?”

Look to others for insights. Leavenworth Summer Theatre will be presenting “It’s a Wonderful Life.” “Miracle on 34^th Street” can be rented. Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, is easily found at the library. After watching and reading whatever material you choose, discuss your question with others.

Especially look for people like Bill. Invite them to coffee. Talk about your big question, your process, and your answers with each other.

Socrates is quoted as saying, “the life which is unexamined is not worth living…the greatest good of a man is daily to converse about virtue.” December isn’t just about cooking, cleaning, and shopping, it’s really the perfect month for asking big questions and receiving epiphanies.

This holiday season, how might you move up to The Good Life by asking big questions?

The Curly, Jack Palance, scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=ml-xI1jbu_U

How To Get More Treats and Fewer Tricks

2011-10-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

Are you getting too many tricks and not enough treats? Never fear, you can turn your tricks into treats – your bad experiences into good.

In order to turn tricks into treats, we must first grasp that our minds can perceive the same situation in distinctly different ways – the glass as half empty or half full.

It is our perception of experiences and people rather than the actual event or behavior that causes much pain, fear, anger, or joy. Whether we perceive life as tricking us or treating us, according to psychologists, depends on how we look at it – how we “frame” it.

Here’s an example from my world of how framing creates a trick or a treat. My husband is a dentist.

Many people avoid going to dentists. The way they frame it is that dentists give you shots in your mouth! They grind, drill, or pull out your teeth while you’re hogtied in a chair.

Others frame going to the dentist differently. They get a “pinch” that may sometimes cause discomfort as their smile is enhanced and their oral health improved. They relax, kick back in a comfy chair, and listen to music or watch a video.

Framing casts an event as either a stressful trauma or spa experience!

Here are some situations to consider. You got fired. Will you frame that as a major trauma, a challenge, or a vacation?

Your spouse talks a lot. Your child didn’t make the basketball team. You argued with your brother. Are they tricks or treats? It all depends on how you frame it.

Okay, fine, but what do you do about changing how you frame things? Let’s suppose that you realize you’re stressing over something that seems awful and you can’t seem to change how you view it. You’re stuck in one nasty, debilitating perspective. How can you slap your mind around into a more useful, even enchanting frame?

“Reframing” is a technique you can use to change the way you look at something and, thus, change your experience of it.

Two good questions based on the work of famous psychologist Virginia Satir and psychiatrist Milton Erickson operate like magic to create new frames.

The first question redirects our attention to a different, more opportunistic angle: “how might this (experience, behavior, belief, trait) have value?”

Example: I’ve lost my job.

Magic Question: How might this have value?

Enchanting Reframe: I finally have an opportunity to start my own business.

The second question allows us to reconsider our limited often negative interpretations: What else could this (event, behavior) mean - in what way, could this be useful or a resource?

Example: My wife doesn’t trust me.

Magic Question: What else could this mean – in what way, could this be useful or a resource?

Enchanting Reframe: My wife can be a strong partner in good decision-making.

The alchemy of transforming tricks into treats, changing a bad life into a better one, boils down to first being aware that attention can be moved around. Secondly, good questions are like magic. They can re-direct attention and open new vistas.

If you want more treats in your life, practice using the two magic questions this October. Over time, you may find yourself knocking down the door to see your dentist (who will definitely want to see you after you’ve eaten all that candy).

How might you move up to the good life by learning the technique of reframing tricks into treats?

Psst! How to Get People to Perform Better

2011-08-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

Want a ridiculously simple practice that makes people do what they need to do? I'm going to reveal it to you. But not yet.

Before I give you this little gem, I want you to fully appreciate its value.

People just don't do what they are supposed to do. Students just don't always write their essays, employees just don't always do their jobs, patients just don't always take their medicine, fat people just don't always go to the gym, smokers just don't always stop smoking.

Take poor Mr. White. He's tried his best to hold his students accountable.

He's yelled, waved his fists, threatened dire consequences, offered rewards, explained the importance of doing homework. He's even called student’s parents and begged for their support.

Many students have seemed motivated and have told him that they will indeed get their work in. Still only about thirty percent of his students have consistently turned their work in on time. He feels irritable, depressed, and is experiencing chest pains.

It’s not only teachers and principals who can sympathize with Mr. White's plight around trying to get people to do what they're supposed to do - ask any parent, spouse, or volunteer leader. Employers also commonly complain about the gut-wrenching process of trying to hold their employees accountable.

Here's the simple “no fuss, no muss” solution to holding others accountable. Here's the million dollar secret to helping them do what they are supposed to do.

Researchers have found that people are overwhelmingly more likely to do what they are supposed to do if you simply ask them to tell you when and where. That’s it. Just ask them to write down or tell you specifically when and where they plan to take action.

When researchers ask students who are supposed to turn in essays to write down when and where they are going to write the essay, the results are astounding. More than twice as many students get their essays in.

Researchers have studied almost everything you can think of. The “when and where” questions work whether it's helping people to drive more carefully, to stop smoking, to remember to recycle, to go to the dentist, to pay their bills, to get mammograms, to use public transportation, to follow through on resolutions, or to adhere to an exercise plan.

Dr. Heidi Halverson, goal attainment expert, says that planning when and where we will take action is probably the single most effective thing we can do to increase success.

By simply asking anyone to state when and where they will do what they say they will do, they become wildly more successful at following through.

September means back to school for many. It's not just students who need to become more accountable, we all do.

We can use “when and where” to help ourselves succeed. Most of us can think of times when we have not followed through with our own goals or intentions.

The “when and where practice” curtails useless abstract talk such as, "I'm going to lose weight." “When and where” squashes equally useless platitudes like, "I'm going to eat less and exercise more."

We get specific with “when and where.” We nail down our intentions with, "I'm going to go to the gym on Mondays at 6:00 and exercise."

When we become more accountable, we are happier, more productive, and more successful. We can save our own and others’ stomach lining by simply telling, writing, or repeating to ourselves precisely when and where we're going to do take action.

How might you move up to The Good Life by using the “when and where practice” to increase accountability?

Let's Get Sassy - Life's Too Good Not to Be Happy

2011-07-31T13:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life doesn’t seem so good. Our health declines. Loved ones die. We feel like we’re in the eye of a hurricane. We need a role model like Mrs. Brussard to show us how to thrive.

“I know I can always find something to do. If I wasn’t doing this, I’d do something else. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes. My son died, my husband died, and I take care of a mentally ill son who lives with me, but I’m happy. Life’s too good not to be happy" ends Mrs. Broussard with a saucy lip pucker.

Mrs. Brussard is a Cajun, female maitre d’ in New Orleans. We watched her as she adjusted her menus, swayed her hips, and hummed to the rich jazz playing near the outdoor patio of Montrel’s in the French Quarter. She obviously enjoyed life.

As we departed we struck up a conversation about Hurricane Katrina. Mrs. Brussard was one of those plucked from her rooftop by a helicopter six years ago in August. She was taken to Texas and later spent a month with her large family and wide circle of friends in a makeshift shelter that still stands in her backyard.

Mrs. Brussard flaunts the fact that she’s nearing her seventy-second birthday. She’s active, confident, and happy.

Resilience refers to the ability to bounce back after a stressful experience, to overcome adversity and even thrive under traumatic conditions. Growing interest in recent years has led to much more research into the lives of people like Mrs. Brussard.

Researchers believe that resilient people often have four things going for them. We can increase our own psychological strength by incorporating more of these four into our lives.

First and foremost, hardy folks have many good relationships. These relationships buffer them from tough times. Mrs. Brussard maintains close friendships with most of her family members and fellow church members. She knows many of the people who live and work in the French Quarter.

Good relationships can be developed in a number of ways. We can get to know our colleagues at work. We can also connect with those who share similar interests in sports and hobbies. Service clubs and religious groups also offer opportunities for friendships. We can make a more concerted effort to get to know our neighbors.

Second, resilience is fostered through engagement, activity, and growth. When we are involved with life, we stay psychologically fit. We become more confident when we continue to use and develop our skills.

Mrs. Brussard told me that she used to “take care of old people,” but as she grew older she began to do jobs that didn’t require as much physical strength. Her current job allows her to continue to take care of others by greeting them and seating them at the restaurant. Work, volunteering, being involved with family are all ways of continuing to grow and be active.

Third, we can become more psychologically tough by having more positive emotions. Even though Mrs. Brussard suffers from a number of physical ailments, has experienced the anguish of losing very close family members, and watched her home be flooded and bashed, she sees life as good. The way Mrs. Brussard talks to herself, the way she views life, and her enjoyment of music provokes her positive emotions.

The best way to increase your positive emotions is very simple. Start observing what sort of thoughts and actions uplift you and do more of them.

Exercise helps to lift emotions, so does being with good friends. Getting outside for a twenty-minute walk in the sunshine boosts our spirits. Listening to our favorite music, like Mrs. Brussard does, can also increase some people’s positivity.

Fourth, researchers believe that meaning or purpose increases our grit. When we believe our lives are significant, we are more able to be strong.

Mrs. Brussard says attending one of the historic Catholic cathedrals in New Orleans buoys her up. Her religion tells her she’s here for a reason. She's able to live out her purpose especially at work.

We can bring more meaning to our lives by looking at the larger picture. Dr. Amy Wrzesniewski, a researcher at Yale maintains that in every occupation about a third of the people see their work as a job, about a third see their work as a career, and about a third as a calling.

The work itself does not make it more meaningful, it’s the attitude of the worker. One third of janitors see their work as a calling, while one third of the physicians she studied saw their work as a job!

Mrs. Brussard’s job is greeting people, handing them menus, and seating them. Mrs. Brussard, however, brings much more meaning to her work because of her larger view. She’s serving others, lifting them up, and helping them see that “life is too good not to be happy.”

Adversities can make life seem pretty bad. We don't have to succumb. We can become stronger people who are able to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Actions aimed at building good relationships, staying engaged, increasing positive emotions, and enlarging our purpose help us bounce back.

In memory of Hurricane Katrina and in honor of Mrs. Brussard, let's get more gritty and sassy this August. We can adopt her creed, "Life's too good not to be happy."

How might you move up to The Good Life by becoming more resilient?

Learn How to Deal With Negative Feedback

2011-07-05T17:04:00.000-07:00

Most of us want to be good at what we do – our relationships, our jobs, our hobbies. You may be surprised to know what experts in a number of fields recommend to those who want to dramatically improve their performance.

To become highly accomplished at almost anything, according to researchers, it’s all about feedback. Feedback is reaction from others about our performance. We need to solicit feedback, figure out if it’s useful, and then decide what to do about it.

That all sounds fine until we actually get feedback. It’s rarely beautifully packaged and graciously delivered. Feedback usually comes in confusing, messy, irritating forms from our spouses, teachers, parents, bosses, friends, and customers. It’s usually negative and hurtful. It stinks.

We could spend a lot of time trying to get people to give us better feedback or we could work with ourselves so that we are better able to process negative feedback.

Very high achievers seem to process negative feedback especially well. In fact, they often don’t find negative feedback negative at all. We can learn from them. Three strategies are key according to performance experts.

First, set appropriate goals and stay focused on them. Performance expert Carolyn Adams says that those who set very specific, challenging, clear goals which seem attainable, are best able to process all sorts of feedback and benefit.

Rosy, the cook, wants to please her customers. She has specific goals around satisfaction and customer referrals. Her clear focus overrides her fear of negative feedback. It keeps her alert to how her customer respond to different dishes.

Second, commit to growth and learning. Dr. Carol Dweck says that those who have an intense dedication to learning are able to overcome their fear of what others say which allows them to challenge themselves and recover from failures.

Rosy continually tries out new dishes and pushes her limits. If a dish bombs with her customers, she perseveres knowing that she’ll get better as she grows and learns.

Third, maintain your confidence by knowing your strengths. People high in confidence, or self-efficacy, are more able to work with stinky feedback. They ask questions which allows them to better understand others’ perceptions. They don’t over or under react to criticism.

Rosy is able to maintain her confidence because she knows that she has perfected her lasagna, her apple pie, and her cole slaw. When her customers tell her that her carrot salad is too salty, she can hear it without becoming defensive.

Many of us can get much better at what we do by learning how to work with negative feedback. Strong goal focus, dedication to learning, and awareness of our strengths can help us effectively process and prosper from other’s opinions even when they’re unfavorable.

How might you move up to The Good Life by learning how to effectively deal with negative feedback?

How Will You Use Your Life?

2011-06-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

How will I use my life? Many of us, including my eighty-year old mother, continue to ask ourselves this question. What’s a good way to go about answering that question?

Boomers like me were told by Joseph Campbell “to follow our bliss.” That sounded like a wonderful idea until we found we had trouble feeding ourselves.

The more practical among us often decided that feeding ourselves was a top priority and looked for jobs that remunerated well. That approach felt good for awhile until we encountered a “dark night of the soul” when we wondered why we were here. Life without passion or enthusiasm ultimately didn’t seem satisfying.

After looking at hundreds of ways to go about answering this ultimate question of how I will use my life, I have one favorite approach. I won’t say it’s easy or quick. But it does help many of us unlock our passion, make a difference in the world, and be more successful.

The approach is best broken into two parts. Part one teases out information and part two puts the information back together in a new way.

The information we need to know is: What we care about, what we’re good at, and what others want.

What we care about. When we address this area, we must clarify what we value. Values are our geothermal reservoir; they motivate and energize us, they give our lives and work meaning. We get angry when they get stepped on. Values have been written about by many including ministers. They are often referred to as nudges and callings.

One way of getting at your values is to write about a time when you felt you made an important contribution or a time when you were proud of an accomplishment. Examine the values that surround that event. Another way is to write about a person you admire. Note what you value.

What we are good at. Addressing this area forces us to claim our skills and strengths. They are often associated with our interests.

One way of identifying your strengths is to think about a time you were at your best. Write about it and share it with others, get their feedback. Describe the strengths and interests that are evident. It’s even better if you can enlist your friends and family to tell you about a time they saw you at your best. Also think about what others compliment you for and what things you find relatively easy to do. Write it all down.

What others want. Addressing this area requires that we get outside of ourselves and look around at the world. One way of thinking about this is to pay special attention to what the world is “hungry for” especially related to our strengths and values. Write down what you see. Think of it as a needs assessment.

Our ability to use our life well depends not only upon utilizing it in ways that feels good, but also upon being able to serve the needs and wants of others in ways that they value.

Part two involves putting all this information together in a way that makes sense and can be acted upon. It can be the hardest part. Here’s how I do it.

I arrange the information within a Venn Diagram. Remember back to highschool geometry – those three overlapping circles?

In this case circle one includes what I care about. I list three to five values that surfaced earlier in the process. In circle two I list three to five things that I’m good at. In circle three I note three to five things that the world seems “hungry for.” Somewhere there smack in the middle is what I call the “sweetspot” - where I can best use my life. Usually it won’t jump right out at me, but it’s there waiting for me to figure it out.

This approach can be used not only with individuals, but also with organizations. Jim Collins uses a similar method with businesses who wanted to go from good to great. My own Rotary club members used the process to decide about how they wanted to serve the community in a more passionate, focused, and impactful way.

Businesses and organizations may choose to do this slightly differently. The process can be broken down into the same four parts, but different groups can do each part. Some people may work on creating or looking at the needs assessment.

Another group within the organization may identify the values through a survey or group discussions. Skills may be identified by yet another group. Then a final group kneads the information together to hit the group’s sweetspot.”

Reaching that final stage of identifying the sweetspot feel exhilarating. You finally know the answer… how to use your life.

But only for a while.

The sweetspot is dynamic.

Our values can change, our skills may change, and the world changes. You may want to revisit your personal or organizational Venn diagram when it’s obvious that you or the world has changed. Or you may set a regular, fixed interval, perhaps every five years to re-visit your sweetspot.

How we use our lives so that they are meaningful, useful, and rewarding is important to us as individuals, groups, and even as communities and countries. It’s worth the time and effort.

How might you move up to The Good Life by deliberately deciding how you will use your life?

GROW Up

2011-06-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

“I’m fed up with my husband and marriage…” Sharon huffed. The listener correctly intuited that Sharon had expressed these sentiments and told these same problematic stories many times. She empathized, then interrupted Sharon’s complaints, and asked her about her goals for the marriage.

Using a specific 4-step approach called G.R.O.W., Sharon was able to move ahead within a couple of hours. The G.R.O.W. model was developed and popularized by Sir John Whitmore. Grow is an acronym for Goal, Reality, Options, and Will.

The model works the same way in a wide variety of situations.

1. Start the process by establishing a Goal. Typical goal-oriented questions might be, “What would you like to accomplish? What results are you seeking?

When Sharon was asked this question, she seemed reluctant to change directions. Following a long pause, she finally said she wanted to have a “better marriage.” Sharon talked more specifically about what a better marriage would be. Many people make a decided, positive shift once they clarify their goals.

After establishing the goal, return to the “problem” or disturbing situation.

2. Describe your current Reality. A question which deals with the current situation might be, “What’s your marriage like right now?” Another one could be, “How do you see your marriage presently?”

Sharon spent a great deal of time vividly detailing the deficits of both her marriage and her spouse. Many conversations with our best buddies or our private musings end here. Sometimes we may feel better after venting, but we often feel worse.

3. The third step is to ask about the Options (or opportunities). “What ideas do you have for achieving your goal of having a better marriage?” or “What options have you heard about that help people improve their marriages?” might be useful open-ended questions to ask here.

Once Sharon got going, she could list over twenty ideas for making a better marriage. She knew more about how to create good relationships than she realized.

4. The last step is to select a specific action – to choose what you actually Will do. Here the options or ideas evaluated. Questions probe into what seems to be the most practical, most appealing, most impactful, or most doable. A decision is made as to specifically what will be done, how it will be done, and when it will be done.

At this point Sharon found that the most appealing idea from her brainstorming list was to ask her husband if he’d be willing to have a date night with her once a week. If so, they could further discuss what they might do on their date night that would be fun for them both.

In this case the GROW model was used with a frustrated spouse, but it can be used many other ways.

Last week I used this model to help a group of business people who said “they were in the doldrums” because they didn’t have enough customers. They admitted to spending almost a year unproductively re-hashing their problem. Within a few hours, using the GROW process, they made a goal, described their current reality, brainstormed options, and proceeded to make a solid plan for moving ahead.

The GROW model can be used as a “do-it-yourself project.” I have used the GROW approach personally when I feel like I’m “spinning my wheels” to gain traction - to help me focus, to strategize, and to execute.

Business partners and small groups can also use the same model. Remember to ask open-ended questions similar to the samples provided above around goals, reality, options, and what will actually be done (that is, the agreed upon next action steps). In each of the four steps, allow each participant to engage fully in both listening and speaking.

We all have problems. They come in many forms. Some may be profound and require therapeutic or professional assistance. Other issues may be irritating stale stuff that sticks around way too long simply because we don’t have a solid approach for moving ahead.

Rather than complaining or ruminating over the same old situations endlessly without getting anywhere, we could decide to GROW and move up to the good life.

How might YOU move up to The Good Life by using the GROW coaching model?

Mr. Ed Has the Answers To Motivation

2011-04-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

After you’ve led a horse to water, how can you make him drink? Teachers want to know, employers want to know, parents want to know, business owners want to know. We are all in the motivation business.

The short answer is, ask the horse.

Coaches take a simple and highly effective approach to motivation. They put the horse, “Mr. Ed” in charge of figuring out and finessing his own motivation. They do this not by abandoning him, but by asking him questions aimed at uncovering his level of motivation as well as his motivational triggers.

“Okay, Mr. Ed, here we are at the water. On a scale of one to ten (ten being high), how motivated are you to drink?”

If Mr. Ed (the client) replies that he’s an eight, nine, or ten, we can pretty much wrap up the session and step aside. Mr. Ed is most likely able to move forward on his own.

Most of the time, however, the client is not motivated at that high level. If he or she were, we probably wouldn’t be talking about it.

Coach follow-up questions provoke clients to consider what it would take to increase their motivation to a place where action is likely to occur. “What would it take to increase your motivation from a six to an eight, Mr. Ed?”

Questions like these allow others to become aware of their own motivational state in a way that makes sense and produces increased clarity. The questions prompt clients to consider what arouses their volition as well as what hampers their spirits. They are challenged to figure out how to stoke their own internal fire.

Some of the time clients will say they would feel more motivated if they felt they had the ability or resources – the intelligence, the necessary skills, the talent, the willpower, the money, the time, the confidence, the courage, the information, the structure to go forward. Occasionally they will say they need a bigger or better nudge – a good incentive, more encouragement, or accountability.

Most of the time, however, most people say what they need in order to feel more motivated is simply to become more willing. Their willingness is a function of being able to view the action or task as more appealing, more pleasant, more rewarding, more meaningful, more challenging, more important, or more relevant.

The rest of the coaching conversation is about exploring what makes tasks feel appealing or rewarding to them.

Clients find their own solutions to what will “make them drink” or move them to action in many forms. They may ask a friend to join them in doing parts of the task. They may conceive of how the task helps them develop skills that are useful. They may consider how the task contributes to a noble purpose like making others’ lives better.

Mostly people can be moved to action by working with their resources, their external, and their internal motivation. This coaching approach is primarily aimed toward increasing intrinsic motivation and self-determination which are associated with sustained motivation, creativity, and higher quality performances. It’s worth your time as a parent, teacher, leader, or business person to learn how to do it proficiently.

When you’re pretty sure it’s in Mr. Ed’s best interest to drink a little water, you don’t have to stand their helplessly and wait for him to get on with it. Neither do you need to digest complex theories of motivation and many more inscrutable motivational models with thousands of contradictory research studies. You can also put to bed your own erroneous personal pet theories and common folkore about punishing, pulling, enticing, and prodding poor Mr. Ed.

Forget all the confusion and fuss aimed at finding the right technique to provoke Mr. Ed to action. Instead, just ask a couple of questions that allow Mr. Ed to take the reins. You’ll both be happier for it.

How might you move up to The Good Life by learning how to effectively motivate?

Unchecked Assumptions Mother of Major Screw Ups

2011-02-28T16:42:00.000-08:00

Unchecked assumptions are often the mother of miscommunications, upsetting emotions, and major mishaps- not to mention bad for your health (or, as Steven Seagal said, “Assumptions are the mother or all screw-ups,” or something like that).

Here’s an illustrative scenario you may have heard.

Driving along at a pleasant speed along a windy narrow country road in her open-topped car, a woman enjoyed the breeze playing with her hair. Her engine purred low enough for her to hear birds chirping merrily from their perches in the leaves of the overgrown hedges.

Another driver zoomed along the same country lane in the opposite direction. He was intent on getting to his destination. As they approached each other, the man only just managed to see the woman in time, pushed on his brakes, and slid past her quickly.

She turned to face him and shouted "PIG!"

Immediately, he retorted "COW!"

He accelerated quickly round the corner, and crashed into the pig.

Oops!

If we were able to see around all the bends of our lives, we might be shocked at how many mistaken negative interpretations we have made particularly about others’ intentions and the meaning of their behavior. If we courageously and objectively examined our misunderstandings, we might also see how our misperceptions have negatively affected many of our outcomes, especially in the relationship arena.

Here’s another scenario. It’s 6:15. Dinner is served at 6:00. No husband, no call. What assumptions do I make? He’s been in accident? He’s had an emergency? He’s an inconsiderate jerk?

It’s no use telling me to make no assumptions. Human beings are meaning-makers.

We don’t see a bunch of stars, we see constellations. We notice certain pieces of data and weave them together in a way that makes sense to us.

We create hypotheses and theories and stories which can be useful if they’ve been checked out. Unfortunately, we’re not very good at checking out our stories (even highly trained scientists have trouble doing this well).

Why don’t we do a better job of checking out our stories? First, because we are pretty sure we’re right, so we don’t even bother. Second, even if we did have some doubt about our interpretation, our human tendency is to look for evidence that confirms our theory; we rarely try to prove ourselves wrong. Third, we’ve been interpreting the world in our own way all our lives, so we often don’t realize what we’ve done until …well, until we run into a pig.

It is worth it to become more skilled at checking out our stories. Misinterpretations can cause us a lot of grief. We can stress ourselves out, waste our time, damage trust, lower our self-confidence, and lose relationships because of inaccurate conclusions.

How can we catch and check our assumptions if they are part of being human and operate almost invisibly?

Here’s what gives negative assumptions away. Emotions. Not the ones we like.

If I’m angry, sad, or fearful because my husband isn’t home for dinner, then I’ve made some sort of negative assumption; I’ve told myself a negative story.

Once I feel my emotion and notice the negative assumption that preceded it, I can either begin to check it out or decide to make a more positive assumption.

If I want to lower my blood pressure quickly, I can pick up the phone and call. If I choose to make a more positive assumption then I begin thinking about all the understandable and benign reasons that a person might be late and unable to call.

When I begin to think about all the acceptable reasons that a person might be late and unable to call, then I’m starting to make what communication experts call “generous assumptions.”

Generous assumptions are good for us in several ways. In addition to being good for our relationships, generous assumptions are also good for our health and our general well-being. Biologist and neuroscientist, Dr. Robert Sapolsky, in Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, writes that changing how we perceive others and our world dramatically alters our likelihood of getting certain diseases.

Because of the payoff he’s received after his conversion, my husband nudged me to write this article. He maintains that catching his negative assumptions and switching them to more generous assumptions is one of the best transformations he’s made to alter his happiness and effectiveness.

For one thing he now begins his work calmly because he’s felt less necessity to give impolite hand gestures to his fellow drivers on his way to the office. I can vouch for a happier hearth. (Now that he’s stopped hitting pigs, our auto insurance premiums are a lot lower too).

How might you move up to The Good Life by noticing your stories, checking out your assumptions, and making more positive interpretations?

Ask More Sparkplug Questions

2011-01-30T19:34:00.000-08:00

People have changed their marriages, consultants have saved companies millions of dollars, communities have moved from stagnant to thriving each employing the same technique. They’ve learned to ask better questions.

Well-crafted questions allow our brains and emotions to function at their peak.

On the surface, questions can look like they come in a million varieties, but coaches believe that many questions can be grouped into two categories based primarily on whether they keep you stuck or move you ahead. I’ll call one group “quicksand questions” and the second group “sparkplug questions.”

Quicksand questions pull us down, weaken us, dampen our enthusiasm, and get us increasingly stuck the more we use them. They often provoke fear, anger, helplessness, or sadness in us or others. Quicksand questions often probe for something or someone to blame. We need to catch them before they cause too much damage.

The following questions are examples of quicksand questions. “Why are some people such arrogant jerks?” “Who’s to blame for this mess?” “What’s wrong with me (them)?” “Why can’t I succeed?” “Why am I surrounded by idiots?” “Why can’t we get anybody to listen to us?” “Why does it always rain after I get my car washed?”

“Sparkplug” questions are just the opposite. They work to ignite our resources, fire up our hope, and our happiness, and thrust us (and others) ahead. If we want to become more successful in our lives and work, we need to devise and ask more of them.

Sparkplug questions sound like these. “What can I learn from this person (from this mistake, this success, this situation)?” “How can we make this beneficial for all concerned?” “What actions could help us meet our objectives?” “Where are our opportunities at this moment?” “What’s working?” “What do I want?” “How else could I view this?”

Because questions direct our attention, our thoughts, and our feelings, they dictate how well we can use the resources available to us, and therefore what sort of results we are able to achieve.

Executive coach, Dr. Marilee Adams tells the story of Susan who hated her boss. Adams asked Susan if she were willingly to question her questions. Susan realized she was commonly asking herself the question, “What’s he going to do wrong this time?”

Adams asked Susan if she were willing to change her question. Susan realized that her question was dragging her spirits down, getting her nowhere, stressing her, and even affecting her marriage. She agreed to change her question. Her new question was this, “What can I do to make my boss look good?”

A few months later Susan reported what she considered a miracle. She had received a raise and been promoted by the boss she once hated.

Many people have told me their home lives and relationships have become better once they catch their quicksand, “blaming” questions. My husband says one of his significant changes was being able to catch his quicksand blaming questions such as, “How could he or she do that (stupid) thing?” and switch them into more of a sparkplug question like, “What can I do to get a better outcome next time?”

If you’ve read this far, men. You’re about to get a special valentine’s gift from me. Pay attention.

I sometimes catch myself musing over an old quicksand question, “How can I change my husband”?

That’s clearly not a helpful rumination. That sort of question can take me right down into a mucky quagmire.

I’m found that he’s most grateful, our marriage is better, and I’m a great deal happier when I am able to change that question into more of a sparkplug variety.

I can ask, for example, “How can I create opportunities for strengthening our relationship?” or “What strengths do I notice and appreciate in John?” or simply “How can I improve MYSELF as a life partner?”

Despite the fact that quicksand questions are largely ineffective and usually hurtful, they are widely used. Start listening in. You’ll hear yourself asking them. You’ll hear your family members, you’ll hear people in politics, and participants at community and organizational meetings asking ineffective questions.

Now that we know better, we can do better.

The first step is to accept that we all do sometimes ask unhelpful questions. We need to refrain from pointing fingers. It won’t help to beat ourselves or others up. Simply notice that the question as it’s being framed is keeping you or your group stuck, unhappy, and without direction.

Then briefly disengage from the discussion and consider what might be a more useful, productive question. Enlist others to brainstorm new sparkplug type questions that will help you move forward. (Many coaches list provocative and helpful questions on their websites. Google “great coaching questions.” ) You’ll get better with practice.

Most of us are talking too much. When we do ask questions, they’re not thoughtfully designed to charge us up and move us ahead.

If we want to get more successful outcomes, we’ll need to become aware of those quicksand questions and gracefully switch them

Great questions get great results. We can use great questions to stir up our personal and communal resources – to nudge our curiosity, our creativity, and our imagination; to help us learn and to collaborate with others so that we are more productive and happier than we ever dreamed.

How might you move up to The Good Life by asking more sparkplug questions?

Want Some REAL Fireworks?

2011-01-02T18:03:00.000-08:00

If you use your imagination while reading about my New Year "celebration," you might learn something about married relationships, but also about business relationships - about interactions between providers and customers. Maybe you'll want to make a 2011 relationship resolution to be interested in others before expecting them to be interested in you.

Dec 31^st, 2010

I’m excited to reflect on the past year and to envision the coming year. I have 24 thoughtful questions to facilitate that process. That’s my idea of a good way to celebrate the new year!

I explain to my husband how working with these questions is going to be great. “Not only is this going to be fun, it will help us understand ourselves and each other more, and this insight will mobilize us. When we raise our awareness, we’ll be more motivated to take action, we’ll be able to brainstorm new ideas, successfully strategize, and plan for a happy 2011.”

Well, okay, maybe I didn’t say it all that well, but it went something like that.

He kept asking more questions and showing "signs of resistance." “Well, how’s this really going to move us forward?” (Didn’t I just answer that????)

I patiently re-stated what I’d already said. “You don’t seem very interested,” I said.

“I just don’t see how this will really do anything” he replied.

I’m frustrated and disappointed.

As I look over, he’s brought out a big box of firecrackers - all sorts of rockets and explosive do-dads.

“Look at this, it’s a ….” (whatever the heck it was).

I gazed over and said, “I could give a fig about that firecracker.” (Only I didn’t say fig.)

“Oh, he said sadly.”

He went out by himself. I heard a little fizzle, crack.

I was mad and hurt and felt sorry for myself.

Then I felt sad for him.

I’ve made a resolution. Next year I’m going to be more curious about his explosives and noisemakers.

(Who knows? Afterwards, he might even be more willing to discuss a few questions with me and then we might get some REAL fireworks!)

If we want to diagnose the problem, we may come up with "it's a Mars and Venus thing." There may be some truth there.

What if we took that idea to our business? Are we talking and talking and expecting our customers to become attentive and engaged when we aren't even listening to THEIR needs and interests?

When we work with customers, does it sometimes seem as if we are from different planets?

If we want their attention, engagement, enthusiasm, loyalty, then we need to pay attention to them. We need to get curious about their interests, values, and needs.

If you want to have some real fire at work, make a relationship resolution for how you work with your customers.

Don't Count On Willpower

2011-01-01T10:34:00.000-08:00

We can wipe the slate clean. It’s January, a time of new beginnings. You’ll hear people telling you to set goals. Yes, goals are good for your health, wealth, and happiness. Yes, you are more likely to accomplish your goals if they are congruent with your values, if they excite and challenge you, if they are clear and seem attainable. Yes, it will really help if you have an accountability partner.

Here’s the bad news. You may still fall flat on your face and not accomplish much of anything again this year due to a little detail…you’re lazy. So am I. Here’s the really, really bad news. We don’t have a whole lot of willpower either.

What’s our chance of succeeding in any area of our lives if we have limited willpower?

You may remember Dr. Walter Mischel’s experiments with four year olds. They were told that they could eat one marshmallow immediately or wait for the experimenter to return and receive two. Those who waited the fifteen minutes for the second one were later found to have more emotional and social intelligence and to have scored much higher on their Scholastic Aptitude Tests.

However, Mischel says it wasn’t willpower they had. What they had were distraction strategies like covering their eyes, pulling on their hair, or singing to themselves.

Researchers like Dr. Roy Baumeister have tons of research to show that all of us have a limited pool of willpower and self-control. Some people are much better, however, at understanding themselves, at knowing their habits, and strategizing appropriately. One strategy involves understanding and using the path of least resistance.

Let’s suppose I’ve not been much of an exerciser, but I want to change my ways. I’ve looked at my schedule and see that morning is the only time that looks workable. I’m really psyched up, but what’s going to happen around day three?

I’m going to hear the alarm and ask myself, “Do you really want to get up?” I’m going to answer, “No, I do not.” And then I’m going to hit the snooze button.

This is what Harvard professor Shawn Achor found himself doing. He became perplexed and angry with himself because he honestly did want to exercise. He decided that the hardest part of exercising were not the pull-ups nor the bench presses, but those few seconds it took to get up and put on his clothes. By the time he had his clothes on, he was mentally ready to get moving.

Achor solved his problem. He slept in his gym clothes. (He claims they were clean. He isn’t married and realizes that may not be for a long time.)

Achor, who is also a consultant and coach, realized that he had stumbled on an essential learning around habit change. Make the “start up” easy for a new good habit . Use the idea in reverse to get rid of a bad habit. Make the start up hard.

Achor began applying what I’ll call “the start up principle” strategically to other things he wanted to change in his life. He had wanted to play guitar, but it sat in his closet. To make the start up easy, he bought a music stand so it became convenient for him to grab and practice.

Television watching was the bad habit Achor wanted to kick. To make the start up hard, he took the batteries out of his remote control and put them in a drawer. (You can put your credit cards in the drawer if you want to make impulse spending more difficult). Now when he comes home tired from work, it’s just too much effort to turn on the television, instead he reaches for the book he’s put on his end table.

My husband John is using the path of least resistance to “get rid of his baby.” He has called his belly fat his “baby” since the little boy next door took a long look at his tummy and asked him how a man got a baby.

John has attached a chin-up bar to our kitchen doorframe and every time he goes by, he does a pull-up. He’s turned the living room into a gym (most of the furniture except for the grand piano is now in the entry). All he has to do is roll out of bed, push the remote control, and Tony Horton is telling him pick up his knees.

Sleeping in your gym clothes and turning your living room into a gym may seem drastic, but they are memorable illustrations of ways to work strategically with the start-up principle.

This year if you really want to begin a new good habit and get rid of a bad old one, remember all that other good stuff about goals. Then factor in that you’re lazy. Don’t count on a whole lot of willpower. Instead get strategic, especially with your start-up.

(Did you know that researchers have found they can cut cafeteria ice cream consumption in half by simply closing the lid of the ice cream cooler?)

How might you move up to The Good Life this year by getting strategic with your start-up?

One Song

2010-12-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard (or seen) an organization singing "one song"? Isn't it moving? I'm talking about totally unique people joined together to accomplish a noble goal. It looks and sounds like a choir.

It feels spiritual to me. I mean it's spine-tingling - beautiful, inspiring, and powerful to see a business (a school, a family, or even a country) made up of diverse people with different talents all metaphorically lifting their voices in unison.

My friend, a singer tells me, sometimes she's so "into" a song that she senses everybody and everything coming together. She feels like her physical and psychological boundaries soften and she begins to blend into the other singers, the audience, as well as the song itself. She "becomes the song."

Not sure how that might look or sound? This may spark your imagination http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp_RHnQ-jgU

The holidays are a good time to celebrate your strengths and your mission - and to notice not only how well you're humming along or singing in tune, but also to clearly name and claim your own special song. What is your organization (what are you) totally committed to? What are they (you) belting out? What's their (your) Hallelujah Chorus? What song ARE you?

Let the uplifting images and spirited music of this special season nudge you (and your organization) to sing your song. That's what you're here to do. It will elevate and awe us. It will make you happy, healthy, and prosperous.

Movin' On

2010-12-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

I was talking to my friend today. We acknowledged our recent disappointments, hurt, and outrage.

Afterwards we accepted our own role in our misery. We committed to change.

It wasn't fun and it wasn't easy. It WAS freeing.

Have you tried to fix anyone lately? http://ht.ly/3rCVC

Getting Ourselves Centered

2010-11-19T12:11:00.000-08:00

I used to think that the mechanical world view had imposed on us

mechanical structures and that our societies are really built like
machines. But the fact is that you can’t turn living things into machinery.
You can try to force them to behave like machinery but they will not be
machinery. That is exactly why our economists can’t predict anymore
and our politics is falling apart. We don’t understand them as unhealthy
living systems. We’re trying to fix them like machines.
It’s very different to cure a person and to fix a machine.

- Elisabeth Sahtouris

Getting Centered - (watercolor) I notice the ocean of events, pressing schedules, and competing urgencies swirling about daring me to dance in the moment. I want to claim my Being and tame my “busy-ness.”

Over time I have come to realize that beginning my day with gratitude, spiritual reading, and meditation works best for helping me be the person I want to be that day.

Nevertheless, sometimes I find myself skipping those activities that keep me focused and whole. I feel off center and spacey. My mind is cluttered, my actions are scattered. I’m not really anywhere, certainly I’m not peacefully and fully “being in the present.”

If we experimented, I believe most of us would find that exercising the Spirit, keeps the mind and body more vibrant and healthy. And still, even when we know better, we keep getting sidetracked and into our busyness and business.

I’ve heard my clients get agitated with themselves when they realize how to keep themselves vital and don’t. They say, “the very time when I really need to be centered (because my life is crazy and chaotic), is when I drop those things that keep me sane.”

We just keep pushing ourselves to machine-like behaviors (especially as the holiday madness begins). Machines don’t require food and water, especially for the “soul.” Over time we become unhealthy and listless.

Have you noticed the vacant, robotic looks and programmed sounds we sometimes emit to our clients and customers, even to our loved ones? Philosophers, priests, and psychologists say for a number of reasons, we are losing touch with ourselves as human BEINGS and becoming more like human DOINGS.

Ask Yourself: What is my center? What supports my ability to center - to BE?

Where is my doing standing in the way of my Being? How do I bring myself back, when I realize I’m off center? What keeps me sane?

Remember: The calm feeling of inner strength amid outer chaos.

Feel: the unity of Mind/Body/Spirit - true Balance.

Coaching Principle: You Are A Complex and Whole Being

Coach Yourself: Tell a friend or write about how you're with “doing” and “being.” Describe what changes would serve you.

Be Thankful For What You’ve Got – Easier Said Than Done

2010-11-14T17:30:00.000-08:00

(Taken from my November "Good Life" article)

“Be thankful for what you’ve got.” Cindy had heard that phrase said and even sung a zillion times and it bugged her more than ever this year.

Cindy scowled at herself in the bathroom mirror, “Yeah, I’m thankful for my stiff aching bones, my fifty pounds of extra blubber, and my empty bank account. I’m especially appreciative that my son’s a drug addict and that I’ll be working until I’m ninety.”

Psychotherapist and Jesuit priest Anthony de Mello died before Cindy was born, nevertheless, he had dealt with plenty of Cindy’s. De Mello’s life work involved alleviating psychological, as well as spiritual, suffering.

The most powerful idea I learned from de Mello, I would put into a quote: “There’s only one reason you are unhappy - you are thinking about what you don’t have instead of what you do have.”

De Mello and others have pointed out that we seem drawn to noticing the negative – to what isn’t working well and to what we don’t have. As we indulge this inclination, we filter out anything positive and find more and more negatives. The results of this singled-minded negative focus causes us to feel increasingly irritated, depleted, and unhappy (not to mention distorts our ability to see reality in its fullness).

The antidote to this form of unhappiness is to work with our attention. We take responsibility for where we allow it to dwell. We practice moving it around so that we are also able to notice what we do have and what’s going well. When we shift our focus to the positives, we become increasingly appreciative, energized, and happy.

Unfortunately directing our attention is not as easy as it sounds. First, some of us have been letting our attention go wild for a long time and it’s become unruly. Second, some of us are afraid we’ll become Pollyanna’s and overlook problems we need to address. And third it can be difficult to learn how to appreciate because of what psychologists call the hedonic treadmill. We quickly tire of our pleasures and begin to take them for granted.

So when we’re told to just be thankful for what we’ve got, it DOES takes effort …and it’s worth it.

The main intervention coaches use with clients is to ask them to choose a specific time each day to write down what went well. This forces clients to direct their focus toward the positive and allows an opportunity for savoring and appreciating what’s going well.

If you’re one of those who fear too much attention on the positive will unduly warp your brain or that you simply must get the bad things “off your chest,” then feel free to write down what’s troubling you first, but take only five minutes. Set the timer. Then spend the next ten or more minutes prodding your brain to remember what happened that was positive and felt good.

Coaches say, “What you appreciate, appreciates.” When we savor our blessings, they seem to grow. Coaches also believe by being in a more appreciative state, we increase our ability to be resourceful, creative, and perform well.

When we change what we focus on, what we focus on changes. Ponder that for awhile.

While that idea sinks in, take November, our official month of Thanksgiving, as a time to devise a way to take control of your attention and to direct it toward noticing and appreciating your blessings. Adopt a Thanksgiving mantra like “What I appreciate, appreciates” as a delightfully effective way to improve your life.

How might you move up to The Good Life this Thanksgiving by noticing and appreciating what you do have?

What Is "The Good Life"?

2010-11-09T15:27:00.000-08:00

Who knows what the good life is – philosophers, scientists, theologians, psychologists, television producers?

How about you and me? Do we know what the good life is? Would we be like Justice Potter Stewart as he grappled with defining obscenity and said he would know it when he saw it? Would we? Here’s the test.

Joan makes thirty thousand dollars a year doing work that she finds meaningful. She has three strong friendships and laughs a whole lot more than she cries. Is Joanie living a good life? Is Joanie a good person? Do you desire to live a life like Joanie’s?

This scenario and these questions are similar to those asked by researchers as they attempt to show us how to live more fulfilling lives.

As it turns out, we all agree that rewarding relationships are extremely important to living the good life. How about money, meaning, and happiness – the other big three of the good life?

The research reveals that basic folks believe money is nice, but after the basics are covered, money is five times less important than happiness. Happiness is the runner-up to meaning.

Studies show that most of us believe having meaning and purpose in our lives is six times more important than having a lot of money (although older people believe money is slightly more important than younger people.)

The professionals who have studied happiness, life satisfaction, and the wisdom literature agree with what regular folks believe. The good life is largely about relationships, happiness, and particularly about bringing meaning and purpose into our lives.

We all agree about what constitutes the good life, so what’s the big deal?

Actually this finding comes as a surprise to many professionals because so many of us are living fair lives and even poor lives. One of the primary assumptions about why we are not living the good life was that regular folks didn’t actually understand much about what constitutes the good life.

Wrong.

We know what the good life is, we just aren’t always living it.

Here’s a better question for us to consider. How can we live the good life by bringing more meaning and purpose into our lives?

I offer this story about my father to spur your creativity.

My father had a serious heart attack when he was forty-nine which compromised his capability and stamina. He thought about what he could do to contribute to others’ lives and feel that his own life had meaning. Here’s what he chose to do each day for the next thirty years of his life.

My father had a large directory made by a church of local people which listed their phone numbers as well as their birthdays. Every evening he asked my mother to look at whose birthday it was that day. Then he dialed their number and wished them happy birthday - sometimes he sang it. (At my father’s funeral, many people said this was something they always looked forward to and would miss the most after his death.)

It’s not that we don’t know what the good life is, but rather it’s about making choices and taking actions to live it.

How might you move up to The Good Life by choosing to live it?

Customer Service Alive

2010-09-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm seeing it all in living color as the old commercials used to say.

Yesterday, at the Hyatt Regency Coconut Point, I spoke to a group of dental practices about "Delivering Priceless Patient Experiences." My presentation emphasized the importance of emotional bonding, of practicing the golden rule, of holding ourselves accountable through getting patient and employee feedback.

My main thesis was that it takes a peak performance culture made up of happy employees to deliver priceless patient experiences. I repeated CEO, Tony's Hsieh's maxim that if you get the culture right everything else will fall into place.

Then I packed up my materials and headed down the hallway.

"Wait a minute" I thought, "is my room this way or that way?"

I puzzled for a split second before Dan asked if he could help. He looked sincere and put me straight immediately.

This encounter with Dan built on my other positive interactions with the staff and my overall positive impression of the hotel (including enjoying their great food!). I told him how impressed I was particularly with their customer service.

Dan told me that Coconut Point ranked highest of all Hyatt's in their customer satisfaction ratings. I could see why.

I asked him their secret. What did they do to get employees to deliver such exceptional service?

As he poured me a glass of complimentary champagne, he said, "It's our culture!"

Secretly loving his answer I asked him, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Well the man who started the Coconut Regency was just a great guy who really enjoyed treating cusomers well and he also believed in treating employees well. You'll see us greeting customers and you'll also see us smiling and saying hello to each other. We call each other by our names. That includes everyone - all service people. It's our culture."

I was beaming. Dan & the Coconut Point Hyatt personified the truth of abstract customer research concepts (not to mention ancient wisdom and what our mothers told us).

The Essence of Good Customer Service

2010-08-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

I've been asked if I can state in one sentence the essence of good customer service.

The question reminds me of the one posed to Rabbi Hillel that went something to the effect of - can you summarize the entire Torah while standing on one foot? And the answer to both the customer service and the Torah question is essentially the same.

"That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow." It's known as the universal ethic, The Golden Rule.

According to Wikipedia the Golden Rule has been around for a very long time in all religions and many philosophies. One of the most common ways of phrasing it is spoken by Jesus of Nazareth in the Biblical book of Matthew: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." (Matthew 7:12, Matthew 22:39, Luke 6:31). Neuroscientist, Dr. David Pfaff, claims that we are hard-wired to be "play fair" and follow the Golden Rule. Why we (usually) follow the golden rule..

Some have criticized the Golden Rule on the basis that others may have different values and tastes and therefore should be treated differently (and have tried to improve upon it by creating the Platinum Rule - treat others as they would like to be treated).

I agree, however, with those who say that what the Golden Rule means is that we should be empathic and considerate of others' desires and feelings. This approach includes making a concerted effort to understand others' values, perspectives, fears and delights.

When we care about the feelings of others, we listen to them, we pay attention to their concerns and dreams. Then we respond. Afterwards we observe the effect of our actions; we check the impact of our responses. Did our customer service behaviors have the intended effect of delighting our customers, of making them happy, of wowing them?

Using The Golden Rule as a standard for good customer service may seem too fluffy or too religious for a business customer service principle to you. But consider that some very successful businesses consider it to be their foundation.

Consider what the past CEO of Southwest Airlines, Colleen Barrett, thinks. She says, "Practicing the Golden Rule is integral to everything we do." Isadore Sharp the CEO of the Four Seasons says "Our success all boils down to following the Golden Rule."

Andy Taylor, CEO of Enterprise Rent-A-Car says "The only way to grow is to treat customers so well they come back for more, and tell their friends about us. That's how we'd all like to be treated as customers...Golden Rule behavior is the basis for loyalty. And loyalty is the key to profitable growth."

Loyalty guru, Harvard grad, Fred Reichheld, who is touted as one of the world's top twenty consultants, writes that the net promoter score the one score you need to know simply holds us accountable to the golden rule. It allows us to see if the customer agrees that they're happy about the way they're being treated.

Employees are proud to work for a business that and be part of a community that seriously practices the Golden Rule. Because of how they are being treated at work, they have the energy, support, and desire to deliver happiness to others. Many of these companies are on "The Best Companies to Work For" lists.

Reichheld in his book, The Ultimate Question: Driving Good Profits and True Growth, writes "the growth of any organization is simply the accumulated growth of the individual relationships that constitute it. Partners will invest to create better, more mutually valuable relationships when they are a part of a community in which members hold each other accountable for building relationships that meet Golden Rule standards....Good things grow."

That's one reason I really like tracking the Net Promoter Score. It is, as Andy Taylor says, more than a metric - it's a journey to the truth. The truth of how we're truly practicing the Golden Rule.

It's age-old wisdom and cutting-edge research for how to grow business. For an organization to grow and prosper, it must build strong relationships among customers and employees. That's the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That's the whole of it, the essence of customer service and the core of business success. I CAN say it while standing on one foot.

Can you state the essence of your beliefs about customer service and business success while standing on one foot? Are your standards strong enough to tremendously grow your business? How do you hold business accountable to your standards?

("Good-Ole Days and the Golden Rule - Training for the Office";-)

Related link - Karen Armstrong and Reviving the Golden Rule in the World

Priceless: Turning Ordinary Products into Extraordinary Experiences

2010-08-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

Customer experiences, according to the authors of Priceless: Turning Ordinary Products into Extraordinary Experiences are interactions between a customer and a product, a company, or its rep.

I think a guarantee is a customer experience. It's also a structure to hold us accountable to deliver what we say we're delivering. Want to see two of the best, craziest, attention-getting, most valuable guarantees around? (They're also in the book.) Here's the first one from Tilley Endurables Hat.

"If you ever find the Hat to be less than the best for any reason, we will repair or replace your Hat for free. If your Tilley Hat ever wears out, we'll replace it free! Bring it to any store that sells the Hat and you'll be given a new one."

The Hat is even insured against loss!

[BTW If you should get a Tilley Hat, you will get a brag tag that says: "Most Tilley Hat wearers, and the person beside you is a prime example, are interesting people of sterling character. It's well worth cultivating their acquaintance! To that end, you'll be pleased to learn, it is customary to provide the giver of Tilley Hat procurement information (such as this card) with a warm hug, or stand him or her to a drink."]

Wouldn't $62 or so be a ridiculously low price to pay for the priceless feeling a Tilley Hat would give you?

Tilley Hats

How about this guarantee from the pest extermination company "Bugs" (BBBK):

"(1) You don't owe one penny untill all pests on your premises have been eradicated (2) If you are ever dissatisfied with BBBK's service, you will receive a refund for up to 12 months of the company's services - plus fees for another exterminator of your choice for the next year. (3) If a guest spots a pest on your premises, BBBK will pay for the guest's meal or room, send a letter of apology, and pay for the future meal or stay (4) If your facility is closed down due to the presence of roaches or rodents, BBBK will pay any fines, as well as all lost profits, plus $5000.00."

(And guess who creates the most infestation problems...not the company, but the customers who often don't have the best hygiene or storage practices.)

How much would you pay for an essentially priceless experience like that if you were a hotel or restaurant owner?

FYI - BBBK charges up to 10 times more than its competitors and yet has a huge market share. BBBK's competitors claim they will reduce pests to "acceptable levels," BBBK promises to eliminate them entirely - an outrageous claim that they can make good on. In 1986 it paid out only $120,000 on sales of $33 million. (You can't make an offer like this unless you are absolutely focused on customer service and can eliminate all the obstacles that stand in the way.)

Three structures can keep you relentlessly focused on the customer experience. The first two I've already mentioned in earlier blogs. First structure is a one question survey - asking your customers the ultimate question and second, the 1 question survey that builds your service culture the ultimate question for employees and third, the subject of this blog- offering an unbelievable and valid guarantee.

what is a good guarantee and should you have one?

What's your idea for turning your ordinary products and services into extraordinary, priceless experiences?Use Your Strengths & Values - Remember Johnny The Bagger? What structures do you have for holding yourself accountable?

Happiness Ingredients

2010-08-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

So you want to be happy. So do I. What can we do? There may not be a happiness key, but there a number of pieces we can play with to spice up our positive emotions and neutralize our yuks - let's call them happiness "ingredients."

We can do two especially good things with our bodies, four great things with our minds, and top it off with two things we're probably already doing and should do more.

YOu know it already, so I'll be quick with the physical - we need to exercise regularly and sleep well at night.

The four things to do with our mind are:

1) challenge our negative thoughts. How To Challenge Negative Thoughts Happy people have a lot less negative emotions. Those negative emotions are usually the result of negative thoughts. Most of those thoughts are questionable.

2) play to our strengths. We have both talents and strengths. We can use our strengths in new ways to become more productive and happy. (If you aren't sure about your strengths. Visit http://www.authentichappiness.com/ and take the VIA, it's 198 questions, it's free, and there's also a children's version).

3) count your blessings. Pay attention to the things that go well in our work and life.

4) seek out meaning. Even boring jobs like bagging groceries can be engaging and fun when we bring our strengths and values to the task.Johnny The Bagger

In addition to that, we're probably already doing these two things, but we can do them more. Set some goals that align with our values and most importantly get out there and visit with our good buddies. (If you're like most people, good social relationships will make you happier than most anything!)

(See a great little video happiness recipe to recap and give you other happy ideas and facts. Did you know that being happy is 3 times more powerful than quitting smoking for your health? You'd have to currently have at least 75K in US dollars or 50K British pounds to make up for having no friends. Also if you're wondering about your current level of well-being check out happiness & life satisfaction questionnaires)

Good Bosses, Happy Workers

2010-08-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

Research indicates that people's happiness is strongly affected by relationships with colleagues and especially with supervisors. Employees' morale and motivation - what they are able to give to customers is connected to interactions they have with their managers. Behind happy workers are good bosses verification of the service profit chain and new research that managers matter.

Here are 8 things that you can do right now to be a better boss.

1) Be positive, energetic, and HAPPY yourself (duh). The best ratio is approximately 5 positive to 1 negative. Your emotions are super contagious!

2) Give helpful feedforward. Give specific information about what can strengthen employees' performance in the future.

3) Be a good role-model. Learn to use your own strengths appropriately and figure out how to minimize your weaknesses.

4) Notice others' strengths. Provide opportunities for them to develop and use their strengths appropriately at work (positive 360's can be inspiring and motivating). Be able to spot the strengths of different behavioral styles

5) Provide choices when possible about how work is done. If it isn't possible to give choices, be clear about the rationale behind why work should be done in a particular way.

6) Say thank you. Notice what people are doing well and deliver sincere appreciation. (I've heard many bosses say they do notice others doing things they appreciate, but they never say anything. Make sure to mention your appreciation; make their day!)

7) Learn to apologize. We all make mistakes. Learn how to say a sincere "I'm sorry." Use it with customers AND employees to build a profitable business.

8) When something goes wrong at work, ask yourself two questions first:

a.) what was my role in this outcome?

b) what's the most generous assumption to make in this situation?

Here's an example. Let's say an employee is late getting back to work after lunch. What's your role as a leader in helping him/her get back on time? For example, were you clear about what time he/she should return? Were you clear about the importance of being on time? Are you usually on time yourself?

In making an assumption, be generous before jumping to negative conclusions. Before assuming that employees just don't care about their jobs, are lazy, or are disrespecting your leadership, you can first assume something more genersous - they were caught in a traffic jam, or they were buying you a "world's best boss" water bottle, or they were out building business prospects.

If those sound crazy, let me tell you, you may be pleasantly surprised. And even if you mistakenly make a generous assumption, it may turn out to be the best thing. Good assumptions often bring out the best in others. Here's a good quote:

"I have believed the best of every man. And find that to believe is enough to make a bad man show him at his best, or even a good man swings his lantern higher." William Butler Yeats
(take the brass assessment to find out how good your boss is or to get an idea of your own score as a boss)

Only Happy People Can Deliver Happiness

2010-08-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Let me state and re-state the obvious. We just can't give from empty pockets.

Only happy people can consistently deliver happiness to others. Only happy people have the resilience, desire, and aptitude to do the hard work of delivering happiness to others over and over again - giving to difficult people, to hurting people, to defensive people, to demanding people, to different people.

(If you want to re-examine the tremendous benefits of happiness at work and to find out just how much more productive a happy worker is, read a recent Forbes article Smile . For more magical properties of happiness and to answer questions like this: "Who can keep their hand in ice water longer - a happy or not so happy person?" see a short video power of happiness, nice article about customer service and positive emotions Do You Want Your Employees to Display Positive Emotions? Hint: the answer is YES!).

Before we can deliver extraordinary experiences, we must have a strong service culture made up of strong people. We must be or become people who are capable of creating extraordinary customer service and priceless memories - i.e. we must feel full and happy at work (with plenty of cheer, empathy, care, and attention to give to others).

Just as we want to measure our customer happiness in order to keep our attention on our customers, we also want to measure how much happiness our employees have so that we can keep building our service culture. We can use the same net promoter score to measure employee happiness.

Ask your employees "On a scale from 0 (low) to 10 (high) how likely is it you would recommend this business to your colleagues, friends, and family as a place to work?" Then leave a place for comments. Use the same process for subtracting detractors from promoters as you used ascertaining customer happiness.

Even before you get the results of your survey you can work on becoming a better boss. Behind every happy worker is a good boss who is not stealing worker happiness, but is contributing to it.

What's the Plan, Man?

2010-07-30T12:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, you and I have small businesses. We want to keep those who love us, loving us (we know who they are). We want to move those who like us to loving us (we know who they are). We want to put a lid on those who hate or are put out with us (we know who they are). What are we going to do tomorrow?

Before I do anything, I want to make a realistic, but challenging goal about increasing my net promoter score. (There are claims that a 12% increase in NPS will double the growth of the business.) I will decide if I want to link an increase in score to a bonus, a dinner out - something fun. I resolve to give the survey again in 6 months - 1 year to 50-100 customers.

Then I make a list of my ideas for improving my NPS. Here are my ideas. I look at these seven ideas and decide what to do first (hint: I probably can impact my NPS best by decreasing the number of detractors as soon as possible).

1. Go on a customer service safari alone or best of all with my business team. Note how I feel and what causes me to feel that way. Take notes. Share my thoughts - listen to others. Get myself feeling and thinking like a customer.

2. Prepare myself to be a listener. Call up ten people who love me and chat with them. Find out what it is that my business is doing (who we are being) that causes them to love me. Take notes. List the top 3 things the business is doing to make our customers love us. Make a plan for being more consistent in delivering these to everyone.

3. Prepare myself to learn, be ready to apologize and improve. Call up ten people who are put out with me or my service. Find out what irritates, stresses, dissatisfies, or makes them unhappy. Sincere apologies often go a long way (and you should do it no matter what your attorney says sorry works). List the top 5. Make a plan of attack. My goal is not to turn these people into a person who love me, but I don't want them hating me and telling 3-9 people (or a million on the internet) how bad my service or product is.

4. Look at my ending behaviors (peak end theory) craft an authentic happy ending. Make a plan for consistently delivering it.

5. Look at my touchpoints. Where are we most able to deliver a "peak" positive experience http://bit.ly/boggA4? What will we do? How will we consistently implement that peak practice and hold ourselves accountable?

6. Deliberately hire, develop, and fire people based on my core values of customer service that rocks.

7. Keep developing my customer service culture. (see my 4 cornerstones http://bit.ly/cTU0Fo). It's pretty ridiculous to think an unengaged employee is capable of engaging and delighting a customer.

The One Score You Need to Know In Order to Grow

2010-07-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

"How likely is it that you would recommend our company to a friend or colleague?"

If I had a mature business and I wanted to get serious about improving my customer relationships and my financial growth, the first thing I would do is ask my customers only one question - "the ultimate question."

Fred Reichheld, the loyalty guru, devised the question which has become extremely popular. Loyal customers are gold. Fred describes loyalty this way:

Loyalty is the willingness of someone—a customer, an employee, a friend—to make an investment or personal sacrifice in order to strengthen a relationship. For a customer, that can mean sticking with a supplier who treats him well and gives him good value in the long term even if the supplier does not offer the best price in a particular transaction. Loyal customers spend more and bring other customers into the business.

The best way to assess loyalty is via the ultimate question. The ultimate question is also very clear and becomes the guiding metric. When I ask that question to a sample of my customers, I'm able to find out who are the most loyal, i.e. who on a scale of 0-10 is most likely to recommend me (mark a score of 9 or 10), my promoters.

I'm also able to know how many customers I have that are actually detractors, spreading negative comments, and costing me time and money (They've marked 0-6). I can also determine how many are passive (have marked 7-8).

When I subtract the promoters from the detractors, I come up with what Reichheld calls my net promoter score (NPS). If I want my business to grow and succeed, that's the one number I need to improve.

By asking this one question, I collect simple and timely data that correlate with growth. I also get responses I can understand and talk to with my employees. "Get more promoters and fewer detractors”—it's clear a target. When I tell them their bonuses are tied to improving our score, it's very motivating and actionable.

As Jeff Immelt, CEO of GE said, “This is the best customer relationship metric I’ve seen. I can’t understand why any of you wouldn’t want to try it!” I'm with Immelt.

What's a good NPS score? The relative answer is "better than your competition and always improving." Stellar companies have scores of around 75. Typical scores are more in 30-40 range.

how Zappos uses NPS

The Customer Experience and Provocative Emotions

2010-07-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

The hot arena for the last 10-15 years has been the "customer experience." Emotions are very involved with how our customers/patients/clients value our products/services. I'm not sure that it's totally true that people buy with emotion and justify with logic as Buck Rogers at IBM so famously wrote, but emotions definitely play a big part in how we learn and make decisions.

http://www.speaklikeapro.co.uk/Why_Emotion_Will_Usually_Outweigh_Logic.htm

I've trying to assess the research of Colin Shaw. His work is also being used in some of the more successful companies.

He maintains that every business has an "emotional signature" made up for 4 clusters of emotions which impact how people feel about our product/business/service.

Cluster 1 - Destroying emotions. When people feel unsatisfied, frustrated, dissappointed, irritated, stressed, unhappy, neglected, hurried.

Cluster 2 - Attention emotions. When people feel stimulated, interested, energetic, indulgent, exploratory (he explains some of the odder ones, but I think you can get the idea).

Cluster 3 - Recommendation emotions. When people feel trusted (note, not when they trust us, but when THEY feel trusted), valued, cared for, safe, focused (I know "focused" seems more like an attention cluster emotion)

Cluster 4 - Advocacy emotions. Only two of them. When people feel very happy or very pleased.

What to do with this info?

Of course, it's a no brainer to do everything we can to lower destroying emotions (not sure why anger or outrage are not there) even though he maintains you can never totally get rid of these emotions, we can do our best to ameliorate them.

We can walk through our processes like a customer and see what might frustrate them. He has some great stories about this. We can also learn to give a good apology and set things right http://summitgroupresources.com/images/stories/pdf/ali_mcgraw_was_way_wrong.pdf

The attention emotions are particularly important in the short term. People need to feel a certain level of interest. (BTW I've tweeted about making your own crosswords http://www.theteacherscorner.net/printable-worksheets/make-your-own/crossword/crossword-puzzle-maker.php etc.)

The recommendation emotions are necessary for people to continue doing business with you (I think we've paid the most attention to these) and we may have wondered why we have repeat customers, but not "missionaries." Customers may not be actively advocating unless they reach cluster 4 - happy and/or very pleased.

I think the biggest thing to think about with emotions is how to use peak-end theory though Shaw barely touches upon it (I feel extremely confident about it and have blogged about previously http://drjunedarling.blogspot.com/2010/03/make-good-lasting-impression.html ).

Take a look at your touchpoints, walk through them, assess what might cause low peaks - do what you can to ameliorate, then craft your peak and end in an authentic, rousing way.

It's hard to say be authentic when you're asking people to craft something, but it's kind of like helping someone fall in love with you. Yes, you can just be a great person and hope that work, but some intention and crafting could go a long way in holding you accountable to be the person you want to be.

Any of these make sense?

How Do I LOVE YOU?

2010-05-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

Does LOVE for our customers and their LOVE in return seem ...a bit over the top? Consider these statements from the inside cover of Jeanne Bliss's book, "I Love You More Than My Dog""

If Customlink were a woman, I would marry her! I'm in LOVE with The Container Store - like I go out of my way to try and find a reason to need to go there. Oh IKEA how do I love you?...let me count the ways. Oh, Apple, how I love you. Getting your first Harley is like having your first love, sometimes more! Ok...so I LOVE LUSH! Reason Number One I love Southwest Airlines - their people smile. Zappos.com is my addiction, my obsession.... I can't live without Zara!!!!! You might think that I'm a funny creature, but I'm here to tell you that Custom Ink rocks my world! I love USAA so much that I can't help sing its praises. I'm like that annoying girl who won't shut up about her new boyfriend. I love you more than life, Zappos, Marry me. End the madness.

Would you like your customers to LOVE you? Then love them.

LOVE, when you give it, you often get it back ...in both business and life! Love is something when you give it away...

Here's how you get the love ball rolling. It starts with valuing others: giving them your attention, a smile, learning who they are, appreciating them, remembering those things that are important to them, seeing their beauty...that's how we fall in love.

How Do We Create Value?

2010-05-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

If we want to succeed in business, we need to stop selling products and services and start creating value.

The big question is how do we create value? I think the best way to create value is to truly value our customers.

When we value someone we understand and appreciate them, we give them our attention, we overlook their faults. We smile at them, we…love them.

When we value someone, we learn what matters to them. When we learn what matters to them, we can create products and services that delight them. We can be in relationship. We can touch and be touched by them.

A basic business and customer service principle should be to VALUE OTHERS.

As it turns out valuing others is not only foundational to business and customer service, but also to “the good life” according to ancient wisdom and recent research.

If we take a look at some of my favorite ideas about valuing others from ancient wisdom, we find that the Buddha said to have “a generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion in order to renew humanity.”

Islam also promotes loving and valuing others. Muhammad said, “Do you love your create? Love your fellow-being first.”

Love of others is foundational to Christianity. “Love is the fulfillment of the law.” (Romans 13)

Rabbi Hillel is said to have told a potential convert that the whole of the Torah is: that which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, the rest is commentary.

"Where love is, there God is also" Mohandas Gandhi said.

When we turn to cutting edge research Dr. Chris Peterson writes that “Other people matter.” He says it’s a good summary of what positive psychology research has shown about the good life.

Good relationships with other people connects us and allows us to experience pleasure, gratitude, meaning, satisfaction, and happiness in life.

If we want to succeed in business, in customer service, and want to have a good life, we can use Chris Peterson’s mantra “other people matter” and learn to truly value others.

Love drives value.

How Do I Build High Spirits?

2010-05-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

We've established that high spirits are a tremendous resource for health, happiness, and success.

But how do we build them?

Ignore the title of this video. Instead watch how the high spirits are built.

Appreciation and gratitude are great sources of energy

Video clip of Jessica: How do you build high spirits? What do high spirits look like?

How are you building high spirits and how might you do it more effectively?

Some one said, "You know that little girl just didn't come up with that on her own. Her mom or her dad must be teaching her that."

What's the role of leadership in building high spirits?

Are High Spirits A Moral Imperative?

2010-05-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

When have you felt connected to others, felt loved? When have you felt playful, creative or silly? When have you felt blessed and enjoyed the beauty of your surroundings? When have you felt energized or excited?

These feelings of love, joy, gratitude, serenity, interest and inspiration and the thoughts and activities that arouse them are at the core of our ability to perform, be healthy, and happy according to researchers like Dr. Barbara Fredrickson. When we are at our best, we are able to do good in the world - we are able to add value.

This idea about positive emotions being a resource for us led me to reflect on religious quotes about cheerfulness, thankfulness, and being upbeat. Here are a few of my favorite Biblical, Buddhist, and Muslim quotations:

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." - Proverbs 15:13 (New International Version)

"A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones." - Proverbs 15:30 (New International Version)

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." - Buddhist quote

“He is the most perfect Muslim whose disposition is best; and the best of you are they who behave best to their wives.” - Muhammad quote

“Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.” - Mohandas Gandhi quote.

Old wisdom seems to embrace new research. Happiness is a good thing - a noble goal.

Happy people flourish. When we flourish, we are most able to serve others.

Quote from Fredrickson's book:
"Know that joy is rarer, more difficult, and more beautiful than sadness. Once you make this all-important discovery, you must embrace joy as a moral obligation" - Andre Gide

How might we be more joyful, appreciative, hopeful, loving for the sake of ...better relationships, better workplaces, better service to others...and a better world?

What small thing could we do to increase our joy if we gave ourselves permission?

Most of all how do we hold the idea of positivity "lightly" so that we remain real?

Watch Clip - Dr. Fredrickson explains the value and path to positive emotions

I'm Thinking About My Pancakes

2010-05-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

Try the toddlers' (and some old folks') cure for anxiety, depression, and unhappiness

Sierra seemed extremely thoughtful. She must have something big on her mind. As a matter of fact she did because when her mother asked her what she was thinking about she said, "I'm thinking about my pancakes."

That thought seemed all too appropriate and somehow funny since she was at that very moment eating her pancakes.

Sierra was exhibiting mindfulness - being right here, right now, in the present. (My husband's 98 year old mother is also a grandmaster of being in the moment).

A good dose (or two) of mindfulness seems to help us stay healthy, happy, and focused. It's an antidote for stress and worry (also aches and pains).

The best way to explain mindfulness and to think how you might become better at it is to examine the Mindful Attention Awareness (15 item) Scale below (from The Benefits of Being Present: Mindfulness and Its Role in Psychological Well-Being, http://www.mendeley.com/research/global-governance-role-institutions/).

The more you can answer "no" or "almost never," to the statements below, the more mindful you are.

I could be experiencing some emotion and not be conscious of it until some time later.
I break or spill things because of carelessness, not paying attention, or thinking of something else.
I find it difficult to stay focused on what’s happening in the present.
I tend to walk quickly to get where I’m going without paying attention to what I experience along the way.
I tend not to notice feelings of physical tension or discomfort until they really grab my attention.
I forget a person’s name almost as soon as I’ve been told it for the first time.
It seems I am “running on automatic” without much awareness of what I’m doing.
I rush through activities without being really attentive to them.
I get so focused on the goal I want to achieve that I lose touch with what I am doing right now to get there.
I do jobs or tasks automatically, without being aware of what I’m doing.
I find myself listening to someone with one ear, doing something else at the same time.
I drive places on “automatic pilot” and then wonder why I went there.
I find myself preoccupied with the future or the past.
I find myself doing things without paying attention.
I snack without being aware that I’m eating.

I'm not suggesting that we live every moment in the present (though some people do recommend that), but for most of us a bit more thinking about our pancakes when we are in fact eating our pancakes could make for less anxiety and more enjoyment of our pancakes and maybe more overall happiness, peace, and success.

Mindlessness has led to all sorts of interesting outcomes for me. A number of years ago I parked my car and started to get out before I realized I was in the parking lot of a place I had worked two years prior. (I've heard similar stories from others - evidence that a few of us could use more mindfulness practice just to navigate to our proper destinations.)

Thanks, Sierra, for helping me remember to pay more attention to "my pancakes." I feel better already!

What Is Success Actually?

2010-05-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

We all want success. Coaches are in the business of helping people be successful.
What is success actually?

Before answering that question – and particularly before we start investing our time and energy in various pursuits, we should give this story (I’ve heard it several different ways) some thought.

A Little Success Story

The businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The businessman then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The businessman then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life, señor."

The businessman scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?" To which the businessman replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, señor?" The businessman laughed and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions, señor? Then what?" The businessman said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "Isn't that what I'm doing right now?"
-Author Unknown

What is success for you?

Getting Human In A Tough Market

2010-05-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

I'm an admirer of Chip Conley (author of Peak) and recent speaker at Zappos all hands meeting. Chip's Joie de Vivre hotels as you may know are all in California (he has at present over 35 - the largest independent hotelier).

When the dot com bust hit his business was seriously hurt, then came expedia (and the age of internet promiscuous shoppers/buyers), and then Sept 11th when the travel business slowed to a snail's pace (it didn't help at the time to have a hotel that many could not spell or say;-).

It was then that Conley went into a bookstore (he couldn't make payroll and was looking for an answer). He started in the business section, left that and went to the self-help section. There he saw good ole Maslow. He used Maslow to think about how to help people self-actualize (re-invigorate their identities). Chip now says the biggest overlooked fact in business is ...tada...that there's people on both sides - we're HUMAN.

Chip has done a lot of great things, not the least of which is to work with his employees as human beings who also have needs and wants(understanding the basic premise that unengaged employees cannot create engaged customers), but one of them is that he simply is not a whiner, he thinks about how he can add value in a tough market and he's done that amazingly well.

One of the things that amuses me is that he's created a person called Yvette who helps you decide what hotel to stay at based on your personality (his hotels are very personalized toward unique groups - his business plan is an interesting one). (They have a personality test online which is definitely interesting and many people just like taking to try to understand who they actually are;-)

I think about how we whine about a tough market instead of thinking about unusual, fun ways to add value rather than just thinking that our only option for becoming more successful is to try to make our service or product cheaper.

What could our businesses be doing to add value? Zappos employees spent two hours brainstorming in groups this one question - what could we do to wow our customers (and our employees)? What are things they haven't even thought of?

Changing the World

2010-04-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thinking about how I've dreamed of changing the world and how that's gone. As providence would have it, I ran across these two writings which sum it up nicely:

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.But it, too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.

       From the tomb on an Anglican Bishop

Changing ourselves is one of our best tools for changing our families, our organizations, and our world. I don't think that wisdom is new or confined to Anglicans.

The ancients who wished to illustrate illustrious virtue throughout the kingdom, first ordered well their own states. Wishing to order well their states, they first regulated their families.Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their persons. Wishing to cultivate their persons, they first rectified their hearts. Wishing to rectify their hearts, they first sought to be sincere in their thoughts.... all must consider the cultivation of the person the root of everything besides.   The Great Learning, Confucius

Coaching question: What change do I want to make in myself? How can I be the change I want to see (as Gandhi suggested)?

think about this

The Grooviest Work Place on Earth

2010-04-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

My next groovy award goes to the company who really has my heart. Yes, I'm totally biased (and way outside their targeted demographic).

What I see is a company that understands the importance of a peak performance culture - the connection between engaged employees, good work, and profitability.

They recently launched their new corporate university which is aimed at employee personal and professional development. I was there and can give you some inside break shots of really THE grooviest place on earth to work.

The executive team is smart, street savvy, and very heart-centered. The employees I met all seem to love what they do - that's very good for business.

My groovy award goes to... VOLCOM. Bravo on your new corporate university!

The latest Volcom edition (sneaked pic from the hospital).

Delivering Emotion

2010-04-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

I received a box of emotion from Zappos! yesterday.

Inside the box, a chic pair of navy heels. On each side of the box the message, “powered by service.” On the ends of the box another maxim, “create fun and a little weirdness – Zappos core value #3.”

The box hold's Zappo’s 3 C’s – Clothing, Customer Service, and Culture. Their aim is to create a company that people want to do business with, that rings their emotional chimes.

Most businesses understand that service is extremely important. but what kind of service will actually create customers who will repeatedly do business, and, best of all, become marketers for you?

That sort of service will need to create strong positive emotion felt by the consumer.

One of the main ways Zappos is doing that is by publicly flaunting their mission and core values. Zappos is showing not only how sexy and attractive shoes and clothing can be, but how sexy core values and attractive culture can be for both customers and employees.

Questions to ponder:

What sort of customer experiences create strong positive emotions?

What sort of business cultures are likely to deliver these peak experiences?

(and how can we create them?)

REGARDLESS OF WHAT BUSINESS WE'RE IN, IF WE WANT TO THRIVE, we'd better be delivering EMOTION powered by service like Zappos! That sort of power seems to be fueled by a culture of high octane happiness loaded with positive core values.

Looking For A Positive "Man"

2010-03-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

It's after midnight and I'm feeling a bit like Diogenes. According to Wikipedia Diogenes became notorious for his provocative behaviour and philosophical stunts such as carrying a lamp in the daytime, claiming to be looking for an honest man. He believed that virtue was better revealed in action rather than theory. His life was a relentless campaign to debunk the social values and institutions of what he saw as a corrupt society.

I'm in search of a positive man. Actually not a man, but a positive corporation. I want to award them my "groovy" award for positivity. I'm looking for those that demonstrate positive virtues. In honor of the Greeks, I identify the positive virtues after the 4 elements - air, water, earth, and fire. Here's what I mean:

1) "air" (e.g., a climate of fun, humor, appreciation, & gratitude)

2. "water" (e.g., healing employee and customer relationships, communication, transparency, kindness & a spirit of compassion)

3. "earth" (e.g., a sense of purpose; doing quality work - deep engagement, commitment to values, even passion for the work of the company)

4. "fire" (e.g., a challenging, personal and professional learning & growth-oriented environment).

I've been scouring research, checking customer blogs, and comparing info with my own experience. To name a few of those I checked out: Starbucks, Disney, G.E., Google, Nike, 3M, Lululemon. I was disappointed by some of what I found, but I've settled on two winners.

Here are the core values of the first company I've chosen. See if you can guess it... and both employees and customers say they live them.

1. Deliver Wow Through Service
Core Values Frog (or CVF for short) thinks anything worth doing is worth doing with WOW. To WOW, CVF differentiates himself by doing things in an unconventional and innovative way. He goes above and beyond the average level of service to create an emotional impact on the receiver and give them a positive story they can take with them the rest of their lives.

2. Embrace and Drive Change
CVF can not only handle constant change, but expects it and embraces it with open arms. CVF never accepts or becomes comfortable with the status quo, but is always thinking of ways to change processes, perspectives, and opinions, hopefully for the better. Without change, CVF can’t continue to provide the superior service that is the Zappos trademark.

3. Create Fun and a Little Weirdness
CVF has a sense of humor; he knows that it’s good to laugh at yourself every once in a while. Work shouldn’t be synonymous with drudgery; CVF can find fun and weirdness even when the rubber meets the road and we’re getting lots done. Being a little weird requires being a little innovative, and CVF is always looking for a chance to fully engage in his work and bring out the fun and weird side of it.

4. Be Adventurous, Creative and Open-Minded
CVF is bold without being reckless. He’s not afraid to make mistakes, because after all, that’s often the best way to learn. CVF takes risks and is open to his friends taking risks too, as long as we learn from them as a team and use them to make better decisions in the future. CVF believes in a gut feeling; everyone can develop a gut feeling about business decisions as long as they are open to new ideas and the possibility of failure.

HAVE YOU GUESSED IT YET? Yes, it's ZAPPOS! More of their values -

5. Pursue Growth and Learning
CVF S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-S himself both personally and professionally. He never feels stuck in a rut, as there are no dead end jobs at Zappos.com. CVF knows that inside himself and every Zappos employee is more potential than we even realize. CVF works to constantly unlock that potential, both in himself and his co-workers. We’ll “never get it right,” but that’s the challenge we gladly accept. The only way CVF can solve new problems that arise is by learning and growing himself to meet them head-on.

6. Build Open and Honest Relationships with Communication
CVF is an open book; his honesty when interacting with others leads to strong relationships built on trust and faith. He can use these strong relationships to accomplish so much more than he could otherwise. It’s not easy getting there! CVF always acts with integrity, is compassionate and loyal, and is a good listener. At the end of the day it’s not what we say or do, but how we make people feel that matters the most. CVF cares about others, both personally and professionally.

7. Build a Positive Team and Family Spirit
CVF wants to build not just a team, but a family. CVF as a manager serves those he leads by removing obstacles and enabling his direct reports to succeed. The best decisions and ideas are made from the bottom up, and CVF wants to foster that on his team. As a team member, he takes initiative when he notices issues and collaborates with his team to address them. Beyond that, we watch out of each other, care for each other. We work together and play together, because our bonds go beyond the typical co-worker relationship.

8. Do More with Less
CVF is always on the lookout for how to make himself more efficient and improve our operations at Zappos.com. There is always room for improvement and CVF always feels a sense of urgency when making those improvements. CVF wants Zappos to not only be a great service company, but the greatest service company in the world! We strive to set and exceed our own high standards for getting more done with the same or even fewer resources than before.

9. Be Passionate and Determined
What keeps CVF going? It’s passion for our business and our culture. We’re inspired because we belive [sic] in what we are doing and where we’re going. We don’t take “that’ll never work” for an answer. A lot of people told us that selling shoes online would never work; imagine if we had listened to them! CVF has a positive and optimistic attitude, because this inspires everyone around him.

10. Be Humble
CVF knows that despite all the great things Zappos has accomplished in the past, there will always be challenges ahead. No matter what happens, CVF is always respectful of everyone. CVF loves to celebrate our individual and team successes, but not in an arrogant or boastful way. We believe in a quiet confidence, as in the long run our character will speak for itself.

I'm eager to read CEO Tony Hsieh's new book Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose (coming out in June!)

Congratulations, Zappos - first winner of my positive company groovy award! (I just called them to order a new pair of shoes. I wasn't sure if I should go with the red or navy. They said to go with the blue, spring and summer coming up and nautical is in.)

My second winner (coming up) is the closest to my heart.

Do you have other nominations? Stay tuned.

Positive Energy Hubs

2010-03-26T09:02:00.001-07:00

I saw this book in the window of Trail's End Bookstore in Winthrop, WA and began to think about what a whole country of smiling, happy people would look like. What would be the possibilities for large hubs of positivity?

Happiness is a “positive” emotion. Positivity changes how the mind works – changes the scope broadening the span of possibilities. Positivity feels good and awakens motivation.

•Positivity brings out the best in people including their mental, physical, social, and psychological resources.

•Happiness (positivity) is a resource - happy people succumb to fewer illnesses, commit fewer crimes, produce more creative ideas, work harder and better on the job, and help others more.

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson suggests that the benefits of positivity begin to surface with a 3:1 positive to negative ratio.

Research suggests that happiness at work (pleasure, engagement, warm relationships, sense of meaning) can improve revenue, profitability, cooperation, staff retention, customer loyalty, and workplace safety.

As it turned out the employees and owner of Trail's End were just the type of example I was looking for (as were a number of other places in Okanogan Country).

Are you part of a positivity hub? What are you doing to increase your pleasure, engagement, warm relationships, and sense of meaning?

Here's one thing I noticed that they do at Trail's End to increase their engagement. This card was behind the counter.

When I asked them about it, they said that they choose a new focus each month to help them increase their customer service.

Managers often say something like, "I'm not so interested in all this positivity stuff. I want to know how can I make my employees more accountable and responsible."

What if managers changed the question to "How can I support my employees (and myself) to become more engaged?" what different solutions might be found?

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Here's a reminder of my 11 R's of intrinsic motivation

1) relevance with a little “r”. Encourage people to think about how what they are doing connects to their personal larger goal, i.e. help them establish personal relevance (this means talking to them or understanding them and knowing what they really value). (See my blog on values Make Our Life Fulfilling.)

2) Right Resources. Help them deploy their strengths and resources well. This means that you/they have some idea of their strengths (what energizes them and makes them feel strong) and either match up the task to their strengths at least 80 percent of the time or help them see a way of sharing or getting rid of tasks they don't really need to do. When they are working with their weaknesses, it actually may help to acknowledge how working with weakness sometimes maximizes their strengths and resources. Help them think about how they might use their strengths in a new way to get at this task that appears to take them to an area of weakness.(See my blog on Focus On Strengths)

3) Relevance and Role with a big “R.”This is about purpose and significance in life. Help them see the bigger picture, i.e. how this is connected to not so much a personal goal, but a really big picture. (One of the questions I ask people to do is to reflect and share about "the most noble way of explaining what they do." Are they a spit sucker, dental assistant, or do they touch peoples' lives? A leader can help with this by keeping people focused on the mission (I hope a noble one). Help them see what role they play in the big picture).

4) Results focus and clarity. If they are assigned something to do...if possible allow them to decide how to do it, but give them a clear understanding of what results are desired and how they can tell if they are accomplishing the desired result.

5) Respect and Inclusion. Allow them a voice on decisions that affect the work.

6) Range. Provide a range of choices (not too many, but some) when possible.

6) Rationale. If they must do something and they really have very little opportunity for autonomy, then at least give them a very good rationale.

7) Reflect and Savor. Help them reflect on what they have accomplished, their progress, their impact, the good feeling.

8) Role-Model interest and enthusiasm for the work. Nothing helps more to get people interested than seeing someone who is wildly engaged.

9) Right Rigor. The work should be challenging, but not overwhelming. Take a clue from video games. That’s how they get hooked. The right amount of challenge. (See my blog Choosing To Challenge Ourselves)

10. Request. A person is more likely to want to do something when a request is made rather than when an order is issued, particularly if they are in relationship, see the rationale, and have the resources to comply.

11. Riddle. Frame the work or project as a riddle, a problem to be solved. Humans are naturally curious.

Some might be asking where is Reward? Reward can actually stifle intrinsic motivation. (See my blog Praise Can Help or Hurt).

All of these R’s relate to human needs for: relationship, competence, autonomy, growth, self-acceptance, and purpose.

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Turn Your Customers Into Marketers: Making The Most of the Peak-End Rule

2010-03-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Last night at Iwa's in Wenatchee, WA I experienced a great example of how to apply peak-end rule so that customers are wowed by your service.

Iwa's is a sushi grill staffed primarily by people recently from the Chinese mainland. My daughter-in-law and I chose to eat at the bar so we could watch the sushi chef.

We watched him carefully attend to the small details of slicing, wrapping, and arranging a sushi dish. We discussed how masterful he seemed. Surprisingly he (Jason) handed the dish over to us. It must be a mistake, we hadn't ordered this.

It was no mistake, he was giving it to us. We were shocked. He had managed to far exceed our expectations.

Throughout the evening our waiter, Kevin, appeared to talk with us about China, the food, the great lunch we should try. After dinner he asked if we would like dessert. Since we were quite full, we declined.

When Kevin brought the bill, a beautifully sliced and arranged orange came along with it! Kevin delivered it gracefully with a smile (I tried to capture Kevin's demeanor in a pic, but too fuzzy - sorry Kevin, but I'll be back!)

I'm still thinking today about Iwa's sushi and especially Jason and Kevin's hospitality - and I'm telling you about it. That's the perfect application of peak-end rule. Iwa's doesn't have to worry about marketing because people like me are doing it for them.

Hospitality is powerful. Applying the peak-end rule is one way to help customers mentally register their experience.

What could you be doing to turn your customers into marketers?

Make A Good Lasting Impression

2010-03-22T21:21:00.001-07:00

If you want to make a good lasting impression, then end well.

Daniel Kahneman, nobel prize winner suggested this. We don't use our memories of everything that happened to us when we are thinking about and evaluating our experiences, rather we average the peak of the experience with the end - that's how we decide on how much liked or disliked our experience.

One commonly cited experiment involved subjecting two groups of people to very loud, painful noises. Group A ended their experience with the loud noise, Group B ended the experience with less loud noises.

This second group rated the experience of listening to the noises as much less unpleasant than the first group, despite having been subjected to more discomfort than the first group.

Peak-end rule seems to apply in all sorts of situations including experiences as diverse as dental procedures, colonoscopies, and eating out. How the experience ends is of crucial importance.

I lunched at Pavz in Leavenworth, WA today. I had a delicious Greek salad with my favorite kalamata olives, artichokes, and feta cheese (and warm home-made bread) served by a very pleasant waiter, Carlos.

The trouble came with the dessert. I ordered the highly recommended strawberry crepe with ice cream. But when it came, I was disappointed to find very few strawberries and just a small scoop of ice cream.

When Carlos asked me how the food was I said, "It's okay." Carlos clearly recognized the lack of enthusiasm. He said, "Were you expecting something different?" Carlos was not only observant and courageous to ask the question, but I particularly liked how he phrased it.

The whole experience at Pavz could have been soured by this expectation versus experience gap of what I thought I would get and what I actually got at the end of the meal.

Within the last two weeks I've purposely paid attention to how my experiences in restaurants end. In nearly every case, I have left an establishment without anyone paying the slightest notice. In one place, however, I was given a send-off worthy of a queen AND I DO remember it with pleasure!

If you knew that your customers would only use the peak and the end of their experience to rate you, how would you wow them at the end?

Should You Risk Changing Jobs: What Work Will Make You Happy & Successful?

2010-03-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

Coach quote:

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin

Are you considering a career change?

It seems like everyone has a theory on how to become successful and how to become happy. The problem with these theories is that they are exactly that ... people’s pet theories and anecdotes and not anything well researched. As a result, the subject of successfulness and happiness can seem unscientific: enormous and sloppy, soft and mushy.

I’ve reached into the gooey pool, read thousands of books in the fields of business, psychology, philosophy, self‐help, coaching, sports, religion, and even hypnosis. I’ve actively searched for substance, and pulled out some big chunks of truth that actually help us achieve our ultimate goals, success and happiness in whatever ways we personally define those terms.

The secret of success and happiness is getting to that special place, hitting the sweet spot, where what we do best (our strengths), what we most care about (our values), and what the market is hungry for (our niche) overlap.

Managing our talent means moving toward that sweet spot with a growth mindset that loves challenges and learning.

When we hit the sweet spot we feel strong, engaged, and happy, we are an elite performer playing in the zone.

A powerpoint, executive paper, and scoring guide can be found at my website. Quickclick to the paper http://tiny.cc/junedarling406

What Leader Is Best?

2010-03-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

Daleen And Iber Are More Extroverted Leaders

Sue and Cary Are More Introverted Leaders

Each of these people represents a certain style. Each style tends toward a particular type of leadership.

Research shows that motivation and organizational climate are heavily impacted by the style of the leader. Climate correlates with productivity, sales, profits, and revenue growth.

Daleen, the dominant style, tends toward being more coercive. Her primary objective is achievement of task and wants employees' quick compliance. She issues lots of directives and gives corrective mostly negative feedback. Threat, negative consequences, and firing are how she wields power. She's often viewed by her employees as loud and bossy.

Iber, the influencer style, is more oriented toward a democratic, participative, and sometimes coaching approach. He likes to build commitment and consensus. He loves new ideas and lets employees decide a lot on their own. He has lots of meetings, likes to reward and almost never criticizes. He likes to focus on his employees' strengths. He's often viewed by his employees as fun, energetic, and and a little flaky.

Sue, the steady, is more oriented toward affiliation and friendship with her employees. She likes to build a business that is like a family. She loves harmony and to avoid conflict. She spends much time building relationships. She's often viewed by her employees as nice, caring, and easily bamboozled.

Cary, the conscientious, is primarily oriented toward being a pacesetter. He has high standards of excellence. He is very reluctant to delegate. He rarely collaborates and like Daleen is very task focused. Cary is often viewed by his employees as a perfectionist and micromanager.

To see these leaders talk about how they lead http://tiny.cc/drjunedarling.

Both Daleen and Cary tend to be more task focused; Iber and and Sue tend to be more people and relationship focused.

What style is best? Actually the situation and the people often dictate the best leadership style so leaders need to be flexible and able to read both people and situations , but in general the more task focused leaders need to understand the value of their people - recognize, support, and appreciate them.

The more people-oriented styles need to give more support in the form challenge and feedback - performance appraisals and clear goals.

In order to perform at our best we require both challenge and support, clear directions about goals and also to be valued as people. Effective leaders integrate task and relationship management and are able to manage the energy and climate of their organizations.

What Does Customer Hospitality Look Like?

2010-03-08T11:07:00.001-08:00

Brian, Wenatchee, WA. Caffe Mela, makers of the best lattes.

Danny Meyer calls his business model "enlightened hospitality." He distinguishes service and hospitality. Service is the technical delivery of a product. Hospitality is how the delivery of that product makes its recipient feel.

The pictures above are ones I took as I went looking around the state of Washington for people who seemed interested in delivering customer service and those who seemed more interested in customer hospitality. See if you can tell the difference.

Danny writes "within moments of being born, most babies find themselves receiving the first four gifts of life: eye contact, a smile, a hug, and some food. We receive many other gifts in a lifetime, but few can every surpass those first four." We crave those gifts for the rest of our lives according to Meyers.

The famous restaurateur says that his appreciation of the power of hospitality (and his desire to harness it) has been the greatest contributor to his success.

The surprising piece of Danny's hospitality is that in his business approach, hospitality is first aimed at the people who work for him. This is the enlightened part.

I'm always amazed by supervisors who believe they can treat their employees disrespectfully and that those employees will be able to turn around and be superstars with customers. What a ridiculous idea - that poorly treated employees will be hospitable to customers, that unengaged employees can create engaged customers.

What's the biggest driver of employee engagement? Employees relationship with their direct supervisor.

Two questions to ponder for greater success: 1) what might hospitality look like in my business? 2) How might I set the stage for hospitality by being hospitable to my employees?

What I Learned About Good Work From Watching a Two Year Old

2010-02-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

I recently had the opportunity to observe what joy and productivity looks like for a two year old. It's not what you think.

Joy emerged from grappling with a puzzle, a 24 piece puzzle of farm animals.

Here's what I learned about learning, parenting, motivation, coaching, and leadership from watching Sierra Ruth.

First big learning - make the task challenging, but doable (with verbal mediation if necessary). I would have thought a 24 piece puzzle would simply frustrate a two year old. And it would have without a bit of verbal help in the form of questions or directions.

Sierra Ruth had learned a few things about how puzzles worked by watching her mother & father (modelling). Then she joined in and eventually was choosing to do it on her own. Sometimes a few questions helped her get started, pick a piece she could match, or turn a piece around in order to fit.

I credit her mother & father with seeing that she had the ability to tackle this challenge. (Who am I holding back because I don't see their capabilities? Who am I holding back because I do it for them rather than asking them questions and allowing them to master it themselves? Who am I holding back because I'm not providing a good model? Who am I holding back because I give no support?).

Second big learning - mastery of a challenge brings JOY! I couldn't believe it. As soon as she had finished the puzzle. She simply basked in sheer joy for 2 seconds and then said, "let's do it again!" She was hooked on the feeling of accomplishment.

I never said, "Wow, you're great, look at you." Nothing except, "it worked out." (we DID do a little song of celebration) She was simply stoked on that good feeling of succeeding at doing something hard. That's what mastery, joy, intrinsic motivation look like. (Who am I holding back because I'm not allowing them the joy of feeling intrinsic motivation).

The two researchers who came to mind as I watched were Alfie Kohn and Carol Dweck. Kohn has been yelling at teachers for years - "Stop punishing kids with rewards." Extrinsic motivators can actually undo intrinsic motivation he claims.

In Carol Dweck's studies researchers simply say one of two things to students after they complete difficult problems - "That's a really good score, you must be smart" or "That's a really good score, you must have tried hard." Only the ones who were told the latter wanted to continue with harder puzzles.

Only those who continue to challenge themselves have the greatest opportunity for joy.

How can we continue to challenge ourselves and provide challenging, supportive environments for those around us?

This authoritative (not authoritarian) style of parenting and leadership (high challenge, high support) is what research supports for productivity and performance.

Sierra Ruth did this puzzle with complete enthusiam and focus - eight more times! (HOw much productivity, good work, am I hampering by not remembering the high challenge, high support maxim?)

Three Things That Predict Joyful Adults

2010-02-27T08:46:00.000-08:00

In prominent researcher Mihalyi Csikzsentmihalyi's studies following 1 thousand teens to young adulthood, three things predicted a healthy, happy, involved young adulthood. 1) The amount of challenge reported 9 years earlier as a teenager. 2) the amount of skills reported as a teenager 3) How cooperative (versus competitive)the teenager felt.

We work hard to make environments that are safe and easy. Big mistake is we want to help our children be joyful and productive. (Big mistake if WE want to be joyful.) Human beings thrive on challenge. We want to protect our children - our intentions are good, but we must provide challenging environments if we want joyful children.

It's a basic human need to feel masterful. Challenge and mastery go together. As our children (as we) challenge ourselves we become more skilled.

If our challenge is directed toward beating others, we may not be joyful. Our biggest joys in life come from becoming our own best versions of ourselves and helping others - cooperating.

In order to be more engaged, productive and joyful we need challenge, mastery, and cooperation.

Why We Are Joyless

2010-02-27T08:26:00.000-08:00

Why do our kids feel bad? (Why do we feel bad? Our employees?) According to noted researcher Mihalyi Csikszentimihalyi many children in our society are growing in environments where they almost never experience joy. "They have to sit in school, doing abstract tasks they don’t care about, without moving their bodies - which were selected by evolution for movement and action. They live in environments that are boring and essentially meaningless...." You'd think he's talking about the inner city child, but no.

In Csikzsentimihalyi's research a thousand teenagers were followed for nine years across the whole of the United States, in twelve communities which were chosen to be representative; they were of different types of economic and social make up.

Here's what they found: The amount of joy, happiness, involvement of teenagers goes down as social class goes up! "In typical communities where both parents are professional knowledge workers, work most of the day, the teenage kids live are essentially left to themselves."

What's the answer he proposes based on his research? See my next post

Is It In The Kiss?

2010-02-06T20:11:00.000-08:00

I was fourteen when I listened to Betty Everett sing The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s in His Kiss). I wanted to know how I could tell if someone loved me or if I love him. Betty said it would be in the kiss.

Zillions of songs, articles, and books have been written about love. When we see the hearts coming out to celebrate Valentine’s Day, we may begin thinking more profoundly about love - what love actually is and how might we increase it. Dr. Robert Sternberg decided to do exactly that.

Imagine a triangular heart. On the bottom tip of the heart is the word passion. On the left lobe of the heart is the word intimacy and on the right lobe, the word commitment.

Sternberg maintains that at least two of those three components must be present for love to actually exist and for it to endure any length of time. Intimacy plus commitment plus passion equals complete, consummate love.

After examining Sternberg’s work, talking to several couples, and listening to two psychologists, I learned more about intimacy. Intimacy comes about and is inextricably woven into each partner’s willingness to communicate doubts, fears, and longings. One of the most important, surprising, and recent pieces of research suggests that intimacy can be greatly increased by fully sharing and celebrating each other’s triumphs.

Celebrating each other’s triumphs may even help ignite a bit of passion. Passion may be about sex, but what it’s really about is literally or metaphorically “getting into another.” You and the other are aroused by this process of high engagement aimed at the other which creates some “chemistry.”

We have all experienced passion in different areas of our lives. We can be passionate about music, art, books, hiking. We know how it feels. We want to have that aroused feeling about another. Physical involvement may promote passion, the same thing with deep conversation, or perhaps laughing together. Some even say that passion can be increased by the competition of playing a game or dancing together. (Of course, the new lovers, recommended a tingly lubricant, a “naughty bed,” and the hot tub as a place to increase both intimacy and passion.)

Passion can also be increased by being more attractive to your partner. Now here’s the really good news. Studies show that we can increase our attractiveness to others in ways that aren’t related to how we physically look.

When we are judged by others as warm, generous, likeable, admirable, outgoing, and sensitive, we are viewed as more attractive despite our physical appearance. People don’t see our wrinkles, midriff bulge, and age spots the same way when we enhance our character and personality. Become a more personable person to help the other fall more in love with you. (I talked to one of the researchers of these studies and told him that he might get some special compensation from AARP for this tidbit).

A love that is more than romance, and more than companionship, rests on commitment. Commitment is partly about a mental choice. It’s also about behavioral actions like renewing vows or publicly declaring to the other, “I’m in this for the long haul.” But there’s a step beyond that.

True commitment means being fully involved in co-creating the relationship and the couple’s lives together. Perhaps this is easier to understand by thinking about employees who merely show up for work. When you ask them about their thoughts about work (for example, “Do you think the business should be open on Sundays?”), they have some noncommittal response like “whatever.” They aren’t involved with the plans or making decisions.

To increase our commitment we can first make a mental choice to be more committed, then tell the other person we are committed, then offer our suggestions and thoughts about plans and decisions that affect our lives together.

Okay, back to Betty, where does the kiss fit in? Kisses are good things, but they may not tell you if you’re in love. (Betty purportedly didn’t even want to sing the song that became a hit because she thought it “was silly.”) How you can really tell if you’re in love or lust, both, or neither? Use the 3-way heart. Assess the depth and breadth of your intimacy, passion, and commitment.

When February 14th rolls around and you make a decision to really fall in love, go to those same places – passion, commitment, and intimacy. Make the choice to be more committed. Talk with your partner – reveal your true self including your celebrations; become a warmer, more sensitive, more personable person and get into the other; become highly involved in your relationship and the other’s life.

How might you move up to The Good Life by using the three-way heart to truly fall in love this Valentine’s Day?

If you want to hear Betty, go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQvMBFZUk84

Artists Are "In Touch"

2010-01-31T13:57:00.000-08:00

No matter if it's business, sales, teaching, managing, research, or writing, only artists can be magnificent. But no artist can be magnificent by just being uniquely passionate and personal. An artist must touch others.

Those who don't touch others are the ones we call starving artists. They are also very lonely.

True artists are iconoclasts. Iconoclasts according to Dr. George Berns have:

1) a willingness to hold a different perception

2) A willingness to deal with their fears (of rejection and criticism)

3) SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE

Social intelligence involves understanding and valuing others. Knowing what worries them, what excites them, what gives them hope.

Being an artist requires touching (and being touched).

copyright June Darling

Artists Perform Magnificently

2010-01-31T13:34:00.000-08:00

In the world to come, I will not be asked, 'Why were you not Moses? I will be asked, "Why were you not Zusya?" Rabbi Zusya

To be an artist, you must be uniquely you - true to what you stand for, what gives you power, what you find funny, what inspires you, what you care about, what you find interesting.

Let Steve Job's commencement speech at Stanford help you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1R-jKKp3NA

What if we replaced others' goals and vision for us with our own sense of purpose, principles, and values became our Real Self?

Magnificent performances only come from artists!

Great Leaders Are Artists

2010-01-29T14:46:00.001-08:00

When we overcome our demons, know and embrace who we are at our deepest core, we become artists, living our art with integrity and passion. We become capable of leading others.

Two of the most respected leadership writers, James Kouzes & Barry Posner write that leadership development is self-development...The instrument of leadership is the self, and mastery of the art of leadership comes from mastery of the self....The quest of leadership is first an inner quest to discover who you are...."

According to Kouzes & Posner when we discover who we are, what we care about and value, what inspires us, challenges us, and gives us power and competence, then we'll know how to lead those qualities out of others.

When we reclaim ourselves as artists - knowing what we stand for, what we're passionate about, we'll be able to help others do the same.

Copyright June Darling

Flowers Are Red and Leaves Are Green

2010-01-29T13:47:00.000-08:00

In the Harry Chapin song, "Flowers Are Red" a child is painting flowers when the teacher scolds him. http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=xO-tEq4HP3E

So it begins that we are told what colors to use, what lines to stay within. Others can help us paint, right? We can learn from others. It seems helpful and it may be particularly if we want to know how others paint flowers and leaves.

The danger is believing that someone else knows more than we do about how we should paint our own flowers and leaves - how we should live our own life. When that happens we lose our inner compass, our direction, our trust in ourselves.

When we lose a sense of our own direction, we are fearful of calling ourselves artists, or poets, or writers, or anything remotely related to passion, creativity, and worthiness.

In order to be an artist, we must be willing to allow ourselves to perceive the world in a way that is different from others. We must be willing to deal with the fear of being made fun of - of being criticized, in order to bring our budding art to full flower.

Being an artist begins with an inner quest to discover who we are, what we value, what we stand for. And...we will face our demons on the journey back home.

Copyright June Darling

Be An Artist

2010-01-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

Seth Godin is at it again. He wants us to be remarkable, "to fail at something by Tuesday," to be iconoclasts.

In
his new book Linchpin he tells us to be artists. According to Godin, Art is anything that is passionate, personal, & creative.

The reason we might choose to be artists is that it is the "path to security." Artists can't easily be replaced or outsourced.

That word "artist" brings many of us face to face with our inner demons. Isn't it presumptious?

Gordon MacKenzie, organizational consultant and author of Orbiting the Giant Hairball spoke to kindergartners and asked them if anyone in the class was an artist. Everyone raised their hands.

He continued asking first graders, second graders, and so on until he reached the sixth graders at the end of the day. Only two students slightly raised their hands.

What happened?

Positively Deviant Leadership, Positively Deviant Organizations, Positively Deviant People & Positively Deviant Performance

2010-01-27T15:52:00.000-08:00

Normally we think of "deviance" and deviants as negative, but positive deviance is a good thing.

Positive deviants are those whose performance is far to the right of the bell curve - those with the better scores.

High performing organizations are "positively deviant" with positively deviant leaders at the helm. They are filled with positively deviant employees.

"The [positively deviant] organizations we study tend to excel in two areas. They do very well at accomplishing their central instrumental task, like making quality products, educating people, or providing health care. And they also excel in a second domain. The people who work in them tend to flourish. They are deeply connected to the objective, and they are deeply committed to one another. as a result, the organization can do things that other organizations cannot do."

Robert Quinn - Author, Consultant, Researcher, Professor of Business Administration, Professor of Organizational Behavior and Human Resource Management at the University of Michigan Graduate School of Business

The positively deviant leader supports and enables the 4 Cornerstones:

1. Positive Mindset (i.e., growth mindset - people in the organization believe they can always substantially grow and change)

2. Positive Meaning (the mission, vision, and work of the organization are emotionally engaging)

3. Positive Relationships (the organization values diverse views & strengths; people communicate effectively)

4. Positive Culture/Climate (the overall energy of the organization is a resourceful, "relaxed alert" state)

Positive mindset - the 1st Cornerstone or foundation of the positively deviant organization is that challenge provokes change and growth. The cornerstone theme is "crave challenge." The people who gravitate to this cornerstone are thought of as "fiery," dominant, bold, brave.

Positive meaning - the 2nd Cornerstone of the positively deviant organization can be summed up by "mean your work." People who gravitate to this cornerstone often see their work as more than a job - perhaps even a calling. They are intrinsically motivated and go beyond their job description. The ancients thought of the people who gravitated to this cornerstone as "earthy" or those who were motivated to be excellent in their craft.

Positive relationships - the 3rd Cornerstone can be simply summed up in two words - "value others." The ancients believed that the temperament of people who gravitated to this cornerstone was "watery" or healing & soothing

Positive climate or culture - the 4th Cornerstone acknowledges the impact of emotion on performance. The thought can be captured under the proscription to "harmonize the heart & lift the spirit" - to be happy. Happiness is a resource for creativity, health, and productivity. The ancients though of people who were attracted to this cornerstone as "airy" or inspiring.

The positively deviant organization uses all of these cornerstones to produce high quality products and to have flourishing people.

Individuals who want to coach themselves to optimal states - i.e., have rewarding, excellent performances, mastery, and well-being also use all of these cornerstones even though they may be more attracted to one or two.

copyright June Darling

Fourth Cornerstone - Air

2010-01-20T16:18:00.001-08:00

Positive Climate
Harmonize Your Heart & Lift Your Spirit

"I keep my mind focused on peace, harmony, love and abundance. Then, I can’t be distracted by doubt, anxiety or fear."
– Edith Armstrong

The 4th Cornerstone is primarily about learning to work with your energy and understanding the mind/body connection.

a. Use stress management techniques – particularly meditation, breathing, visualization,

and exercise

b. Use humor, laughter, smiles and play

c. Use positive self-talk and learn how to deal with negative self-talk & useless fear

d. Be mindfully aware of the environment and its impact on yourself and others (understand the mind-body connection - including primes)

e. Celebrate, appreciate, be grateful, savor

f. Give, serve

g. Know what makes you happy and do it regularly

h. Understand emotions, how to use them to your advantage, how to shift them when necessary

i. Get outside

People who often use or gravitate to this cornerstone have vitality, zest, humor, hope, and curiosity! (If you're curious about which cornerstone you're attracted to, send me a post)

To help you with this Cornerstone, listen to Bob Marley "Every Little Thing Gonna Be All Right" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mACqcZZwG0k or Santana "Smooth," http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXp413NynFk

The Cherokee parable of the two wolves may also help
http://www.sapphyr.net/natam/two-wolves.htm

Coaches help in all of these areas. See my blogs for a fuller explanation of each of these.

copyright June Darling

Third Cornerstone - Water

2010-01-20T16:17:00.001-08:00

Positive Relationships
Value Relationships

"We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone"
Sandra Day O’Connor

The 3rd Cornerstone is primarily about learning to understand, communicate with, learn from, appreciate, empathize with, attune to, and value others especially those who are different from us. It requires awareness of self & others.

a. Communicate!

communicate clearly,

communicate directly,

communicate cleanly,

communicate often,

communicate positively
(i.e. make it solution-focused, collaborative, in praise of learning/effort; learn to deal with your personal "weird science interpretations," always start by making generous assumptions, give feedforward http://www.marshallgoldsmithlibrary.com/cim/articles_display.php?aid=110 ),

make your communication individualized (use your refined strengths - beware of complementary schismogenesis (in sociolinguistics http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schismogenesis ), be attuned/empathic/compassionate, know others as whole people)

b. Support/help others (we are social creatures)

c. Listen & learn from others

People who often use or gravitate to this cornerstone have good interpersonal skills are kind, fair, easily forgive and work well with groups. They seem calm, stable, soothing and mellow. (If you'd like to know more about the cornerstone you're attracted to, send me a post)

To help you with this cornerston, hear Jackie DeShannon "What the World Need Now Is Love Sweet Love" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pluDQ7L7Kbc or Dionne Warwick & Burt Bacharach http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTrmYakCWGM
or "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYwg_SklBc0

If you're interested in how to sell to ALL the cornerstone styles see http://www.youtube.com/drjunedarling#p/u/4/4Z2vKyzLthO
Coaches help in all of these areas. See my blogs for a fuller explanation of each of these. Next blog - cornerstone 4.

copyright June Darling

Second Cornerstone - Earth

2010-01-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

Positive Meaning
Mean Your Work

"This is happiness; to be dissolved into something completely great." –Willa Cather

The 2nd Cornerstone is figuring out how to work with our own motivation so that we are willing to push ourselves past our fears, failures, present level of engagement & performance. It's about developing commitment, conscientiousness, and self-management.

a. Motivate yourself by making your task/work more interesting (brainstorm how to make it relevant, challenging,

creative, autonomous – know you always have options; remember Johnny the Bagger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDrmFolx2wc

b. Motivate yourself by making your work more fulfilling (think about your values; brainstorm and be clear on what makes it excellent, a job/career/calling – seek purpose & significance by asking yourself what’s the most noble way of thinking about your work)

c. Motivate yourself by using your strengths 80% of the time

http://www.viacharacter.org/VIASurvey/tabid/55/Default.aspx

d. Motivate yourself appropriately with rewards (know the up/downside of extrinsic & intrinsic rewards)

People who often use or gravitate to this cornerstone have prudence, humility, honesty, perseverence, commitment, integrity, good self-management skills, and are conscientious. (If you'd like to know more about which Cornerstone you're attracted to, send me a post).

Listen to Vangelis Chariots of Fire http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYJzcUvS_NU
or Tina Turn "Simply the Best" to help you with this cornerstone, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIrCFrFpHvw

Coaches help in all of these areas. See my blogs for a fuller explanation of each of these. Next blog - cornerstone 3.

The First Cornerstone to Getting Into Your Positively Deviant Personal Performance Groove: FIRE

2010-01-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

Positive Mindset
Crave Challenge

"It is never too late to become what you might have been." George Eliot

The 1st Cornerstone requires pushing ourselves beyond our fears, obstacles, failures, and present limitations. It involves being courageous and believing that challenge is what makes us better.

a. Set goals clear, challenging, believable goals that you care about (seek mastery, competence, growth, and talent expression)

b. Stay focused on the learning more than performance or winning

c. Put in the time (10,000 hours/10 years) to hook up neurons and build myelin
or be prepared to go the way of the iconoclast

d. Relentlessly refine your strengths & deal with your weaknesses. Deliberately practice (be clear on your target, sharpen your edge, go beyond your comfort zone), remember the z-boys & swimming pools http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Z-Boys

e. Get frequent feedback, but use it judiciously

f. Have a growth mindset – believe you can always substantially change; be a learning junkie

g. Use structures, tools (understand the stages of change), friends, coaches to support you

h. Create an inspiring vision (write about your “best life” in important areas e.g. work, relationships, finance, spiritual life)http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/flourish/200912/seeing-is-believing-the-power-visualization

i. Find your "inner encourager" and LISTEN (use believable affirmations)

People who easily use or gravitate to this cornerstone often have courage, stamina, bravery, and fortitude.

They are willing to be uncomfortable or suffer in order to get what they want.

They like to learn and are often intelligent, good at seeing the big picture, and able to synthesize information.(If you'd like to know more about which cornerstone you're attracted to, send me a post).

Hear Yolanda Adams - "I Believe I Can Fly" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBPBfNlCHio or the Theme from Rocky "Gonna Fly Now" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4 or Frank Sinatra singing "My Way" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E2hYDIFDIU to help you with this.

The basic premise here is that much of who we are is based on what we do, so let's get doing! Strengths are built and refined through action. Just as we build our muscles through working them, the same is true for our strengths.

Coaches help in all of these areas. See my blogs for a fuller explanation of each of these. Next blog - cornerstone 2.

copyright June Darling

Turning Miserable Jobs Around

2010-01-06T08:39:00.000-08:00

What many of us have been hearing was confirmed yesterday in the report from the Conference Board. More and more employees are finding their jobs uninteresting and disengaging from their work.

This a.m. I read a paper by Patrick Lencioni about his book The Three Signs of a Miserable Job. It fits with my blog from yesterday. Lencioni comments that other studies find the number of people who say their job is miserable has reached 77%.

What Lencioni calls a miserable job is one that would make any person cynical, frustrated, and demoralized. The job drains people of their energy, their enthusiasm, and self-esteem. The Gallup people (according to Lencioni) estimate the "ailing workforce" is costing employers more than $350 billion dollars of lost productivity.

The three signs of a miserable job are: 1) anonymity - when employees realize that, particularly the manager, has "little interest in them as a person"; 2) irrelevance - "When employees cannot see how their job makes a difference in the lives of others"; 3) immeasurement - "the inability of employees to assess for themselves their contribution or success."

How can it be turned around if you are the employee? Lencioni says that employees can be a good example and start being sincerely interested in the manager's and others' lives.

Employees can also directly tell others and their boss what they want. Lencioi suggests something like "You know it would mean a lot to me if you knew more about who I am and what makes me tick" or "Can you sit down and help me understand why this work I'm doing makes a difference to somebody?"

Lencioni doesn't mention this, but a strong system of self-evaluation clearly helps others become empowered and happy. In fact the evaluation theorists like Fetterman at Stanford have advocated this for 15 years or so and have outlined how it can be done. Individuals must have opportunities to decide with others exactly what their job is and how progress & success can be measured.

What can you do if you're a supervisor or mamager? Understand that a primary part of your job is empowering others - helping them get the resources they need, developing them, and helping them feel fulfilled around their work. Many successful managers make it a priority to remind people of their mission in a noble way. You can't be "too busy" for people.

This all fits with what I believe are the optimal places to make your organizations better 1) focus on relationships (communications & feedback, treating people as whole people 2) help your workforce (and you as an individual) see your work in its most noble way - bigger than individuals selves 3) Learn, learn, learn. Have clear, relevant, challenging goals 4) Keep encouraging the heart with a focus on doing things which promote hope, humor, fun, play, inspiration, and appreciation.

Postscript:
Just as people can find happiness in all sorts of jobs, all sorts of work can also be miserable including being a movie star or professional athlete.

Lencioni also comments on why professional athletes and entertainers feel so miserable in what appears to be great jobs with huge money and massive media. Lencioni claims that people take little time to know them personally. He says he's had coaches tell him "Hey, these guys are professionals and this is a business."

He says entertainers often cannot see their work as being important which is probably why they often get involved with charitable causes.

Uninterested Employees Are Very Bad for Business: 4 Things to Do

2010-01-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

The Conference Board released yesterday that only 51 percent now find their jobs interesting: "Workers who find their jobs interesting are more likely to be innovative and to take the calculated risks and the initiative that drive productivity and contribute to economic growth....What's really disturbing about growing job dissatisfaction is the way it can play into the competitive nature of the U.S. work force down the road and on the growth of the U.S. economy -- all in a negative way,"

Workers under 25 expressed the highest level of dissatisfaction. Roughly 64 percent of workers under 25 say they were unhappy in their jobs.

When workers find their jobs uninteresting, it leads to disengagement and that's very bad news for businesses and our economy. I think that's why some of the rising stars are taking such pains to come up with these employee development programs.

The Gallup people have been preaching this message for at least the last 10 years.

The second thing I noticed in the "report of the report" was that when workers were asked if they liked the people they worked for...the number was also very mediocre(around 50 percent) and substantially down from the 1987 report, though it's been dropping nearly every year.

It seems to me if we want a strong businesses and a strong economy we have to take seriously employee engagement and satisfaction (which have strong connections to customer satisfaction which is very connected to the bottom line, not to mention creativity and innovation.)

Our highest engagement and performance are going to come about by working on 4 areas1) supporting continued learning in a big way 2) supporting strong relationships (understanding how to use strengths, communications, strengths-based performance evaluations, etc. 3) supporting employees in viewing their jobs careers, or even "callings," and lastly 4) supporting "the heart" - humor, play, appreciation.

The Gallup people developed the Q12, but these can be boiled down and reconstituted to these top 4 which are supported with other research.

Having effective strategies which aim at these 4 areas keeps the overall climate positive (that relaxed alert state) that is most necessary for high performing, creative ventures and businesses.

Creative Ideas for Change This Decade

2010-01-05T10:54:00.000-08:00

The next decade could offer some unusual opportunities for changing ourselves and others if we get creative. First idea, go after beliefs and expectations in an unusual way.

I'm reading Counterclockwise by Dr. Ellen Langer at Harvard. She makes a compelling case, using her own research, that our beliefs and expectations largely affect our health, age, and other outcomes.

She's taken the mind/body connection to a new level and introduces what she calls Possibility Psychology. "If it's been done, it's possible."

One of her unusual studies was to take older men, sequester them, engage them in chores, have them act as if they were living in a previous era when they were at their peak (1959) and see if it would affect their health positively.

They took a number of measures of health and stamina. Basically the men came in barely able to walk and left being able to play touch football.

Langer opens the door to a lot of novel thinking. How might we rearrange our "elder spaces" to make them more retro, youthful, and demanding?

I can see an entrepreneur opening some food, movie, beauty, sports center for boomers to go and re-experience the make love not war years and become more youthful.

The second idea for change is called The Fun Theory of Change. www.thefuntheory.com. I'm sure you've seen the piano stairs which was created to get more people to use the stairs rather than the elevator.

People are creating other fun ideas for helping people change. What a concept! Think about going to the dentist because it's FUN! Flossing your teeth because it's FUN. Doing your tax return because it's fun.

Another great place for creative minds in the next decade.

3 Ways to Predict A Long & Happy Relationship

2010-01-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

How can you predict if your marriage is likely to last?

First check the stats:

Marrying after age 20
Both grew up in stable, two-parent home
Dated for a “long while” before marrying
“Well-educated”
Stable income from a “good job”
Live in a small town or on a farm
Participate together in a faith community
Share similar age, education, attitude, and value

If you say yes to nearly all of these, a long happy marriage could be yours based on the stats.

Second, what's your rate of positive to negative behaviors? If you are exhibiting and see behaviors like smiling, touching, complimenting, laughing and not so much in the way of sarcasm and insults (so that your positive to negative ratio is about 5:1), it's VERY likely you'll have a long and happy marriage.

Lastly if you see your partner's potential in the same way he/she sees his/her own "ideal self" and help sculpt him/her in ways he/she wants to be sculpted (noticing when he/she behaves in alignment with his/her ideal self), you're more likely to have a happy, long lasting marriage.

Achieving Goals By Staying Loose and Learning

2010-01-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

We humans feel better when we have goals and see ourselves making progress toward them. The way goals are crafted makes a difference. We've all heard s.m.a.r.t. (specific, measurable...etc.), but, though it's not an acronym, the research better supports setting goals that are clear, believable, and challenging and that we find personally relevant(connected to our values) and that we are committed to (see my blog on goal-setting).

But here's the rub. It's not just about how goals are crafted it's also about how the goals are aimed. There are two basically different types of goal orientation - performance and mastery goals. Performance goals are aimed toward doing something because it will be praised and rewarded. Mastery (or learning) goals are oriented toward increasing our competence and learning.

Achievement depends on perseverence in the face of setbacks. Which type of goal will increase perseverence and therefore achievement?

The answer seems to be - it depends. The variable is self-efficacy. If we are very high in self-efficacy (across multiple domains), it doesn't matter much. We are likely to persist even when the going gets tough, but if we are in a situation where we feel a lack of confidence, then having a mastery goal will keep us going longer.

People with mastery goals are more likely to be intrinsically motivated which is also associated with persistence and engagement.

All of this thinking connected for me around recent discussions about whether or not to have goals and watching the bowl games.

What is generally necessary in most type of activities is a state of "relaxed alertness." We must be focused and biologically "aroused" but not overaroused.

As I think of a stringed instrument as an analogy, we need to be tight enough, but not too tight and not too loose. That's the state we need most of the time to execute well (an exception being if we're being chased by a sabre-toothed tiger).

Having a mastery/learning orientation rather than a performance goal can be helpful for keeping us strung just right.

A performance goal can be the target, but the path and focus can be on learning which seems like the best of two worlds. Kinda like Deepok Chopra's idea of having a goal or outcome in mind, but not being "attached to it."

I was tweeting this a.m. that one of my favorite mantras is "I'm always learning. Everything that comes into my life will help me...." That helps me stay relaxed and alert - controlling my attention and self-talk.

Oops, There Goes Another Problem…Kerplop!

2009-12-28T08:56:00.000-08:00

Last year about this time I met Peter. Peter’s slumped posture, drooped lips and eye-lids signaled his despair and gloom. The typical goal-setting that takes place in January held no interest for him. He had given up.

What could make Peter, or anyone, believe that achieving a goal is even possible? The answer is a four letter word – hope.

The tenets of hope theory have been outlined recently. When we are hopeful, we are able to mentally see several routes to reaching our goal which is called pathways thinking.

A second aspect of hope involves our belief systems. To have hope, we must believe that we are capable of victoriously walking one of those envisioned paths. Psychologists refer to this as agency or agentic thinking. We might call it confidence or even empowerment.

Pathways thinking can be assessed in adults and children. “I can think of many ways to get the things in life that are most important to me” and “When I have a problem, I can come up with lots of ways to solve it” are statements used to measure pathways thinking.

Agency thinking can be assessed with questions like: “I think the things I have done in the past will help me in the future” and “I think I am doing pretty well.”

Some researchers refer to hope as a super-trait, a particularly significant attribute, that pumps up other traits and skills and makes achievement more possible. Studies in health and psychological well-being, academics, and athletic performance support the idea that hope may indeed be a super-trait.

High hope individuals are more able to maintain good health and prevent health problems. High hopers use information about the etiology of illness to do more of what helps and less of what hurts. Once ill, high hopers remain energized and focused on what they need to do in order to recuperate rather than pity themselves.

High hopers spend more time engaging in positive rather than negative thoughts. They are more likely to find benefits of their stressors. They send more time thinking about alternate routes to solving problems rather than worrying unproductively.

In research with grade school, high school, and college students, hope bears a substantial relationship with academic achievement. In a 6-year longitudinal study, higher hope scores predicted higher cumulative grade points as well as graduation rates.

High hope athletes perform significantly better than low hopers according to the research available.

Helping Peter move from despair to hope was straightforward. He first needed to learn how to better think of solutions. He picked up the skill quickly by being taught to brainstorm alone and with a partner. He was presented with problems like “If a man were stuck in a traffic jam, how many things can you think of that he could do to enjoy himself or make his time productive?” Eventually he was presented with some problems that were closer to the ones he was actually facing and he was able to offer many possible solutions.

Peter’s hopefulness immediately increased when he could see options. In addition to augmenting pathways thinking, Peter’s agency was enlarged by helping him remember and reflect on times that he or someone like him had been successful in following some of the paths he had previously suggested.

Now Peter could enjoy setting challenging, clear, realistic goals.
Being able to set goals and make progress toward them makes us feel good – it’s a definition of happiness.

We may use the word hope as a way of expressing a wish such as “I hope it doesn’t rain today. Real hope, unlike wishful thinking however, deploys sound pathways and agency thinking. Much of our ability to set goals and succeed depends on our high hopes.

How might you, your family, your organization, and our community move up to The Good Life by learning the super-trait of hope?

Fire, Air, Water, Earth

2009-12-06T15:41:00.001-08:00

I don't believe in astrology or the zodiac though I admit I really know nothing about it. I think the idea of the classical four elements (fire, air, water, earth) have survived since antiquity however for a reason. They make sense. It's a useful idea.

The four personality types Hippocrates and Galen subscribed to(choleric - fire, sanguine - air, phlegmatic - water, and melancholic - earth) seem to have some face validity. We seem to have an attraction or tendency toward one of these "types."

DISC seems popular in the business arena and is quite similar to the classical types. At first I thought DISC might have little real research behind it though I found it helpful. I often think of people as behaving more like a dominant(other systems call this one, the director or something similar), an influencer (inducer; other systems call this one the socializer or something similar), steady (submissive; some call this personality the relater or something close to that), or conscientious (analytical, compliant, some call it the thinker) type.

After looking at the original work of William Moulton Marston, John Mayer, and Hans Eysenck, I'm much more inclined to support the 4 quadrants concept. Even the big 5 personality traits seem to fit within the 4 quadrants. (I's more open, D & I's more extroverted, C's more conscientious, S's & I's more agreeable, D's & C's less emotionally stable).

Our organizations may have a certain "style." (Is yours more fire, air, water, earth?) I believe high performing organizations will make use of all of these dimensions. The organization must be achievement, mastery, and learning oriented (the typical province of the "D"). It must also be spirited, hopeful, and "happy" to function at its best (the province of the "I").

No organization can hope to sustain high performance without attention to relationships (the province of the "S"), and excellence and standards must be examined in light of reality (the province of the "C"). Indeed, research supports this.

What we must learn to refine in ourselves is learning when and how to use those attributes so that we function at our peak. (It's a given that I believe we can change these behaviors, possibly even the inclinations).

The emotional instability of the high D (anger) and the high C (depression) must be properly managed. I agree with Robert Sutton and others that "asses" will destroy an organization. These are typically high D's (bulldozing attackers) or high C's (demeaning faultfinders)who are either ignorant of their impact or unable to properly regulate their emotions. (The eeyores are C's, the tiggers are I's in case you're wanting to connect the previous blog entry)

I think the millenials are particularly aware of the high costs associated with negative personalities and are much less tolerant.

I believe we can become more creative and successful if we are able to use and refine all of our "selves" within this classical framework. This quote has been credited to C.S.Lewis and others, "How monotonously alike all the great tyrants and conquerors have been: how gloriously different are the saints!"

BTW, there are MANY funny and also helpful youtube DISC clips.

Tiggers and Eeyores - Integrating Our Shadow

2009-12-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

Are you on any online lists or forums? Have you noticed that they are often inhabited by Winnie-the-Pooh characters? The easier ones to spot are the Eeyores and Tiggers. My own persona seems quite a bit closer to Tigger than Eeyore.

I wonder what would happen if we became less stereotypical? What if we let in the teeniest bit of those repressed inner "selves" - particularly the ones we find totally unacceptable?

Take me for example, I wouldn't jump over into being an Eeyore. Instead I would just quit denying that I have Eeyore within me - that all the Eeyores are "out there" - that they are disgusting and ruining the world.

When I take a close look inside, well...surprise, surprise, there is a little Eeyore here. I can give him a squeeze and find out what I might learn from him.

What might be open to me if I were willing to acknowledge all my selves? For one thing, I might find myself less of a hypocrit, less angry, less dismissive, more whole and capable.

I might find that the person who bugs me the most is actually the one who holds some unique, valuable wisdom and power I can use. I can integrate little Eeyore without "going over to the dark side" as I view it.

Yes, I'm probably treading on Jung's territory of shadows and projection. He got there first. Truth? Who knows? Useful? I think so. (And it would be great fun for me to see Eeyores embracing their little Tiggers!)

Prepare for a New Year of Success & Happiness

2009-12-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

Gear up for a year of success and happiness. Use my free e-book, Artist of Life (download at my website)to coach yourself. Here's the first entry:

At this time of year my world goes indoors - to grow like a hothouse flower. Outside it seems cold and severe, but in here I’m intimate with my dreams. I’m reminded of the spirit of possibility, of creativity and imagination, of fairy godmothers, and of Holy Days when the air is full of unbelievable promise. I want to believe in the unbelievable. I turn up the jazz CD. I laugh and dance with myself in the warm comfort of my imagination. It’s a new year. Wipe the slate clean. Anything’s possible.

Ask Yourself: When and how do I experience holidays and holy days? What unbelievable beliefs do I cherish? How do I liberate my creativity and imagination? What if anything IS possible? What do I want to happen this year? How can I be an “artist of my
life?”

Remember: The marvelous feeling of amazement and boundless creativity.

Could Nature Be One of Our Churches?

2009-12-01T09:01:00.000-08:00

My husband has always claimed that “nature” and the “out-of-doors” are his church. Now he has some research to back him up.

Abstract:
Want to be a better person? Commune with nature. Paying attention to the natural world not only makes you feel better, it makes you behave better, finds a new study.

Findings:
"Stopping to experience our natural surroundings can have social as well as personal benefits," says Richard Ryan, coauthor and professor of psychology, psychiatry and education at the University of Rochester. While the salubrious effects of nature are well documented, from increasing happiness and to lowering stress, this study shows that the benefits extend to a person's values and actions. Exposure to natural as opposed to man-made environments leads people to value community and close relationships and to be more generous with money, find Ryan and his team of researchers at the University of Rochester.

The Study:
The paper includes four experiments in which 370 participants were exposed to either natural or man-made settings. Participants were encouraged to attend to their environments by noticing colors and textures and imagining sounds and smells. In three of the studies, participants were shown a selection of four images on a 19 inch computer screen for two minutes each.

Half of the subject viewed buildings, roads, and other cityscapes; the other half observed landscapes, lakes, and deserts. The urban and nature images were matched for color, complexity, layout, and lighting. In a fourth study, participants were simply assigned at random to work in a lab with or without plants.

Participants then answered a questionnaire assessing the importance of four life aspirations: wealth and fame ("to be financially successful" and "to be admired by many people") and connectedness and community ("to have deep enduring relationships" and "to work toward the betterment of society").

Across all four studies, people exposed to natural elements rated close relationships and community higher than they had previously.

The questionnaire also measured how immersed viewers were in their environments and found that the more deeply engaged subjects were with natural settings, the more they valued community and closeness.

By contrast, the more intensely participants focused on artificial elements, the higher they rated wealth and fame.

To test generosity, two of the studies gave participants a $5 prize with the instructions that the money could be kept or given to a second anonymous participant, who would then be given an additional $5. The second participant could choose to return the prize money or keep it. Thus, subjects had nothing to gain if they chose to trust the other participant, and risked losing their money.

The result? People who were in contact with nature were more willing to open their wallets and share. As with aspirations, the higher the immersion in nature, the more likely subjects were to be generous with their winnings.

Why should nature make us more charitable and concerned about others? One answer, says coauthor Andrew Przybylski, is that nature helps to connect people to their authentic selves. For example, study participants who focused on landscapes and plants reported a greater sense of personal autonomy ("Right now, I feel like I can be myself"). For humans, says Przybylski, our authentic selves are inherently communal because humans evolved in hunter and gatherer societies that depended on mutuality for survival.

In addition, write the authors, the richness and complexity of natural environments may encourage introspection and the lack of man-made structures provide a safe haven from the man-made pressures of society. "Nature in a way strips away the artifices of society that alienate us from one another," says Przybylski.

Lead author Netta Weinstein says that the findings highlight the importance of creating green spaces in cities and have implication for planners and architects. Incorporating parks and other representations of nature into urban environments may help build a stronger sense of community among residents, she explains.

By contrast, "to the extent that our links with nature are disrupted, we may also lose some connection with each other," the authors warn. This alienation may help explain other research showing that urban as compared to rural dwellers show more reservation, indifference, and estrangement from others.

On a personal level, Weinstein says the take home message from the research is clear: "We are influenced by our environment in ways that we are not aware of," she says. Because of the hidden benefits of connecting with nature, people should take advantage of opportunities to get away from built environments and, when inside, they should surround themselves with plants, natural objects, and images of the natural world. "The more you appreciate nature, the more you can benefit," she says.

Thanksgiving and Prosperity

2009-11-25T10:11:00.000-08:00

A prosperity problem may be connected to a weak ability to be grateful - to scorn rather than appreciate what we have according to researchers in the new science of gratitude. Gratitude expert Robert Emmons claims that robust gratitude leads to increased happiness, productivity, and prosperity. Those people who look disdainfully at their lives tend to end up with less; those who feel grateful for what they have end up with more.

See my blog Gratitude Leads To Happiness and Prosperity

Creating or Becoming a Genius - It's Made Not Born

2009-11-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

I'm doing a talk today on building your brain. While I was looking through my materials, this 2006 article (which is also being discussed as of late)http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19125691.300-how-to-be-a-genius.html came to my attention. The 5 page article really is a good summary of one of the books I have on my desk which is a great reference resource called The Cambridge Handbook of Expertise and Expert Performance (over 800 pages of research).

You have heard me singing this song for a long time (it's also echoed in Outliers, although I don't have a great deal of respect for Malcolm Gladwell, and the one I like better - Talent is Overrated). This article, however, really gets at the main issues quickly and yet comprehensively.

The first idea I agree with is the notion of genius as an innate quality should be tossed. We should move closer to the thoughts of Thomas Edison (genius is 99 percent perspiration). As the article mentions it's probably truer to the data to say genius is 1 percent inspiration, 29 percent good instruction and encouragement, and 70 percent perspiration).

Second, elite performers almost invariably enjoyed plentiful support in their formative years, they had exceptional conditions. They were were encouraged as children in a general way to explore and learn, then supported in more focused ways as they began to develop in an area in which they particularly liked. Most of these homes particularly of scientific elite performers valued learning for its own sake. They also had at least one mentor. I think we should particularly hold on to that - they valued learning for its own sake and they had one special person who knew the ropes and individually coached them.

I also liked how the article ended. It IS disappointing to realize that all your mom's blather about how smart you are doesn't mean jack, and that you have to work demonically hard regardless. But as something to believe in, genius is not looking so smart. You want to play the big stage, you got to put in the time." (yes, the 10 year, 10,000 hour rule)

And two questions remain - how do you get the "fire in the belly" to put in 5 times more work?

And, if you do, is it worth it? You may be a top performer, but will you be happier and more satisfied with your life?

Artist of Your Life

2009-11-20T08:39:00.000-08:00

I've been on a journey for the last ten years of researching thousands of the best books by world-famous scientists, philosophers, psychologists, spiritual teachers, leaders, educators, business gurus, other coaches, and talking with "good folks" on the topic of the good life and how we can move toward it.

You can find the 11 principles I discovered along with short expositions, original paintings, and tools to take you, your friends, and small groups through an entire year of self-transformation toward peak performance and well-being. It's a totally free download. Pass the gift on to others. Becoming Artists of Life

Turning Our Genes On and Off

2009-11-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

Epigenetics is a booming new field that studies how genes are turned on and off. The most revolutionary idea is that what we do - even what we think may alter the expression of our genes.

Here's an excerpt from Sharon Begley's Newsweek article:

What's so fascinating about epigenetics is that it may explain how the life we live can reach into our double helix and alter our traits. For instance, when rat moms lick and groom their pups, it removes DNA silencers from genes that, allowed to sing, cause the pups to become curious and sociable. Epigenetic mechanisms may also explain why identical twins, who inherit identical genes, have different traits, including genetic diseases: the different lives the twins lead cause some disease genes, including those linked to cancer and schizophrenia, to switch off.

I think it's time for a collective gasp on that one. For all those neurological nihilists that have poo-poohed the ability to change, take a long look at this. We now have evidence that we are creating new neurons through our lives (neurogenesis, that we are making new connections - re-wiring and re-sculpting our brains (neuroplasticity), and now we find that we can even alter our inheritance.

This should be a century of hope, tremendous personal transformation, high-performance and well-being.

8 Best Ways to Exercise Your Brain

2009-11-20T07:55:00.000-08:00

Eight Best Ways to Exercise Your Brain
according to neurologist Dr. Andrew Newberg.

#8 - Smiling. The mere act of smiling repetitively helps to interrupt mood disorders and strengthens the brain's neural ability to maintain a positive outlook on life.

#7 - Stay intellectually active (of course). When it comes to the dendrites and axons that connect one neuron to thousands of others, if you don't use it, you will lose it. Intellectual and cognitive stimulation strengthens the neural connections throughout your frontal lobe which improves your ability to communicate, solve problems and make rational decisions.(Doing math exercises and crossword puzzles apparently doesn't help).

#6 Consciously relax. Use pleasant music, meditation, and breathing. Relaxation does more than relieve bodily tension. It interrupts the brain's release of stress-stimulating neurochemicals.

#5 Yawn. Believe it or not at least 35 studies support 12 essential reasons to yawn. Yawning stimulates alertness, optimizes brain activity and metabolism, improves cognitive function, increases memory recall, enhances consciousness, lowers stress, relaxes every part of your body, improves voluntary muscle control, enhances athletic skills, fine-tunes your sense of time, increases empathy and social awareness, enhances pleasure and sensuality. AND you can make yourself yawn. Just pretend you're yawning and after a few fakes yawns, you'll get a real one.

#4 Meditate. Visualization, guided imagery, self-hypnosis are variations that are equally effective in maintaining a healthy brain.

#3 Aerobic exercise. Vigorous exercise strengthens every part of the brain, as well as what it's connected to - the body. Exercise can even be viewed as a form of meditation because it involves sustained concentration and a deliberate regulation of body movements and breathing. Studies have shown that it enhances relaxation and spiritual well-being. Vigorous stretching, such as yoga, also does wonders for both your body and brain. All forms of exercise enhance neural performances and rebuild damaged circuits caused by brain lesions and strokes. Exercise improves cognition and academic performance. It repairs and protects you from the neurological damage caused by stress. It enhances brain plasticity. it boosts immune functions. It reduces anxiety.

#2 Dialogue with others. Language and the human brain co-evolved. If we don't exercise our language skills, large portions of the brain will not effectively interconnect with other neural structures. Dialogue requires social interaction, the more social ties we have, the less our cognitive abilities will decline. In fact, any form of social isolation will damage important mechanism in the brain. Have deep conversations about harmony, world peace, the Big Bang Theory, God, but don't have angry dialogue. Irritable conversations will damage your brain considerably.

#1 - Faith. Faith is connected with hope, optimism, and the belief that a positive future awaits us. Optimistic people have greater activation in the same parts of the anterior cingulate that are stimulated by meditation. Medical researchers at the Mayo Clinic stress the importance of optimistic thinking for maintaining optimal health. Optimistic attitude reduces the stress-eliciting cortisol levels in your body. Optimism is important to maintaining psychological health. Faith is essential for maintaining a healthy brain.

Brain Fitness Case Study

2009-11-20T07:50:00.000-08:00

Take a look at this real person. Read the profile and decide her brain fitness. This activity will help you become more brain fit. See my other blogs on brain fitness.

Profile of Ruth

Age: 79
Gender: Female
Living conditions: Independent living with 150 others residents

Ruth is a morning person, she regularly goes to bed at 9:30 and awakens at 5:30. She rarely awakens during the night.

Her first activity upon waking is what she refers to as her morning worship time in which she reads something that uplifts her (usually a spiritual or biblical passage) and prays.

She goes to her closet which is sparse (like her small apartment). She has few clothes and easily finds something she likes.

She always eats breakfast which usually consists of whole wheat toast, oatmeal, and fruit (blueberries when available), on some days she has an egg. She has a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice.

She eats with a variety of people who live at her independent residence. She especially likes a female friend who is 83 and was the superintendent of schools. They laugh about their past exploits in education (Ruth was a college professor and earlier, a teacher).

She drives to the mall and briskly walks for 45 minutes and scans the shops. She knows the other walkers, they frequently talk as they walk. She notices things she likes and things that amuse her in the mall. Occasionally she skips going to the mall and walks through the resident facility while she’s walking she memorizes all the names of the 150 residents and notices what they have on their doors.

She goes to work at her church. Her desk has very little on it: 1) her to-do list which she prioritizes, 2) her calendar, 3) a sentimental well-crafted artistic sculpture, 4) and a lamp. She became an assistant minister in her sixties. She is also a counselor. She arranges her church “small groups,” she counts the money. She meets with the staff as they decide church issues.

Ruth also is a chaplain for the police force. She regularly helps them start their shifts with an encouraging message and prays with them.

Last year she was asked to present at the national police chaplains’ association. She wanted to say “no” because they wanted her to talk about PTSD (which she felt was out of her field) and they wanted a powerpoint (which she had never done).

She decided to go ahead and do the presentation although it seemed overwhelming at first. She asked for help in learning more about PTSD and particularly how to do and run a powerpoint presentation. She found several people who said they would help her. She looked at her calendar and broke down the project into small chunks. When she felt overwhelmed she talked to the people who were helping her. Each day, she worked on the presentation for about 30 minutes, then took a break.

Ruth also works with police who are suffering from trauma and works with families who have been traumatized.

Ruth also works as a chaplain for the hospital. She visits people who are ill, encourages them and prays with them if they desire. She also comforts their families.

Ruth usually has lunch out with a friend. She often eats some sort of broiled fish or lean meat, has some whole wheat bread, and colorful vegetables.

Ruth comes home at about 3:00 each day. If she has work to do at home, she does one thing at a time and finishes what she starts.

After her work, she often calls or receives calls from several of her family members and friends. She has a wide network of friends particularly in her community.

Ruth reads or listens to CD’s. She says she most likes to read/listen for “new revelation or insights.” She particularly likes to discuss her readings with others – both those that have similar and dissimilar ideas. She usually watches Larry King and a bit of news.

Usually her dinner is light. She often eats just an apple, some cheese, and a glass of red wine.

Occasionally at night she begins to worry about her son, who is dealing with many problems. When she begins to worry, she may call a friend or family member and often they pray together. She usually closes her evenings with a comforting passage or often reads a “sweet, light book which causes her to smile and feel warm.”

On the weekend Ruth picks up one of her grandnieces or grandnephews who are between the ages of 11-5. They go shopping, to the movies, out to eat, and just visit. She often attends their school or sports functions.

On Sundays she attends her church where she knows everyone. The minister is a long time friend, comforter, and adviser. She takes notes during his sermons and discusses them later. Usually a couple of church members go out to dinner afterwards.

Ruth recently had a visit as she often does from an out-of-town friend. They enjoyed catching up, laughing about their past adventures, and going out to dinner. She looks forward to her visiting again in a couple of months.

Ruth’s goals are to help her community and church as a leader, encourager, comforter, reconciliator, and to shake them up with new ideas. She loves humor and loves to be active. Her pace, her thinking, and her smile are quick and open.

She’s travelled a bit out of the area, once to Europe, but is being prodded to go to Africa and help with a church. She’s not so sure about that, but she’s considering it.

Ruth’s doctor says that her blood pressure is 110-130 over 80. The doctor says she should put her cholesterol report up on the wall and frame it. Ruth has occasional bouts with diverticulitis.

Ruth is a widow, she keeps a picture of her husband by her bed, occasionally she talks to him during the day, and looks forward to meeting him in the afterlife.

Some discussion questions:

How cognitively fit would you say Ruth is?

What is she doing that promotes cognitive fitness?

What is she doing that may negatively affect her cognitive fitness?

What more could she do to be even more cognitively fit?

More Brain Fitness

2009-11-20T07:44:00.000-08:00

For Brain Fitness

MORE:
Belief that growth is possible, persistence

Right-sized Challenge/Stimulation – Mental, Physical, Social

Friends (happy ones)

Meaningful Dialogue

Positive Emotion (hope, optimism, faith, humor, gratitude, savoring)

Fresh, colorful veggies and fruit (blueberries - most berries)

Good quality, right quantity Sleep

Goals (challenging, clear, relevant to interests and values)

Brain-friendly Food: Legumes, ginger, sunflower seeds, walnuts, flaxseed, whole grains (brown rice, whole wheat bread or pasta), fatty fish (salmon, tuna, mackerel)

Autonomic Nervous System balancers: Belly Breathing, prayer, meditation

LESS:
Severe or chronic stress (breathe, break it down, ask for help, talk, journal)

Multi-tasking (one thing at a time)

Negative dwelling on negative, hostile, anxious/fearful thoughts (dispute or distract them)

Unofficial Brain Fitness Survey

2009-11-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

Totally Unofficial Brain Fitness Survey

On a scale of 1-5 (high)

1. How much did you move today? (jogging, walking, swimming)
______
2. How many social interactions did you have today in which you listened or
spoke for more than 3 minutes?
______
3. How was the quality and quantity of your sleep?
______
4. How was your learning today (anything new)?
______
5. Do you know what foods are brain or heart healthy/did you eat them today?
______
6. How well did you handle your stress today?
_____
7. How often did you laugh, smile, or think positive (optimistic, hopeful, joyful) thoughts today?
_____

Total score ______

High score (35 -28) Medium Score (27-21) Big Opportunities (14- 7)